Six Reasons You Keep Going Back After the Relationship Ends

Breaking up is hard…very hard for most people. It is even harder for those who have been in a long

term relationship with someone who has become a fixture in their lives. When things begin to fall apart, one of the most difficult things to do is decide when it’s time to just let go, call it a day. This is because people for the most part, do not give up on their relationship that easily. They will fight to save it. Sometimes it’s worth it but at other times, they end up losing themselves in the process fighting for something that in the end will eventually crash and burn.

When one or both partners decide to walk away, sometimes they end up getting back together a few weeks, months or even years later, only for the relationship to end for good, shortly after. So why do people keep going back into relationships which supposedly have ended?

Here are six reasons to consider:

1.    They miss the companionship- If you’ve been with someone for quite some time, it is quite normal to miss their company when the relationship breaks up. Even if they were a nightmare in some ways, there would have been good times you will miss. When you’ve been with someone you wake up with each day, someone who visits with you pretty often and with whom you’ve had memorable experiences, it’s hard to just let go. Even the men who play tough like it doesn’t matter, are often lying to themselves and others…getting over someone doesn’t happen overnight. 

2.    They fear being being alone- Returning to single life can be a scary experience for someone who is coming out of a long term relationship. Depending on how long they were married to or involved with their partner, some people become very dependent on their partner. They forget how to function as an individual. It becomes tempting therefore to get back with the person you broke up with because it feels alien to go it alone.  This is why they will try to mend the relationship shortly after the breakup. However, getting back together because of the fear of being alone is one of the biggest mistakes people who were in unhealthy relationships make. It’s better to learn how to function by yourself again. Discipline yourself to start doing again on your own, the things you used to depend on your partner to do for or with you. Do not return to an unhealthy relationship because you are lonely.

3.    There is a Soul Tie—For persons who are not religious, you might not even consider this but it is very real. You can establish a soul tie with anyone you’ve slept with. Your soul becomes intertwined with another person through sex and even when you know the person isn’t good for you, you cannot seem to let go of them. Think carefully about how many times you’ve seen persons in relationships that you know and they also know isn’t good for them. They break up only to make up and break up again in an unending toxic cycle.

4.    They miss the sex—If you had a good sex life with someone, it is possible to miss that aspect of the relationship so much that you keep going back despite the weaknesses in the other areas of the relationship. This is particularly so, if you did not leave the relationship to be with someone else or if the new person you ended your relationship for, isn’t satisfying your sexual needs. Persons who are fresh from a broken relationship sometimes find someone else to satisfy their sexual needs, even as they are struggling with the emotional mess that they sometimes become. It becomes easy therefore to call up or try to get back with an ex in order to satisfy the need for sex. A man might find this easier to do than a woman because for most men, sex is a physical act that they can easily participate in without emotional attachment.

5.    They didn’t realize what they had until they lost it—Relationships require work and nurturing to sustain them. In a long term relationship, one has to continually find ways to keep things spicy and exciting. Persons can become complacent and take their partner for granted. This complacency sometimes continues until the other partner walks away. When this happens, it’s normally a moment of rude awakening for the other partner especially when they realize they are unable to find someone who brought to their lives, the value that their ex did.

6.    They need the financial assistance—Yes, a lot of persons are in relationships because of the financial security their partner provides. It is not strange therefore to miss the comfortable lifestyle and all the goodies that came from being with someone who was providing for you financially. It’s up to a man to be smart and not allow a woman who was simply using him to seduce him back into a relationship, in which he is merely there to provide financial assistance. The same goes for women who spend on men.  Be careful that you do not get sucked back into a relationship with a man who just wants your money.

It is normal to miss someone with whom you’ve ended a relationship but weigh carefully the reasons you really want this person back in your life or the reasons they want to come back into your life. If you’re feeling lonely or miss the sex, that’s not reason enough to try to mend a relationship which quite possibly might not even work out after a few more tries.

Marie Berbick is a communications specialist, motivational speaker and founder of the women’s ministry Sisters United for Prayer, Healing, Empowerment & Restoration. (SUPHER). Keep up with her on Facebook at http://facebook.com/marieberbick or follow her on  twitter @thePR Girl. Email marieberbick@gmail.com

5 Things She Doesn’t Like But Probably Won’t Tell You

Superman doesn’t exist in real life, a man can perhaps come as close as eighty percent in terms of

having the qualities that will make a woman feel she has won the jackpot but no one person will have all the qualities she’s ideally looking for. That said, a lot of men want to feel like Superman to their woman, but there are also situations where a woman might meet a man she thinks is ideal for her, only to suddenly back away from him without explaining why. Here are five reasons a woman will abruptly go from hot to cold on a man.

1.    Sexual Performance issues ---A couple is normally excited at the onset of the dating game. They want to spend as much time as possible together, getting to know each other and building towards a sexual relationship. For some men, getting the woman into bed is the ultimate aim, they can barely contain their curiousity to find out what it’s like to make love to her. Women also spend time excitedly anticipating that moment especially if she’s really into the man. The high she’s on can come crashing down however, if they finally get intimate and she discovers  that the reality of the experience is very far from what she envisioned. This can either be a matter of medically related sexual performance problems, disappointment with the size of his penis or disappointment with his skills as a lover. If you have a sexual inadequacy problem, be honest with her and tell her before you become intimate. It’s better to give her the opportunity to mentally prepare and be pleasantly surprised that you performed better than expected. If you know you have medically related performance issues, don’t exaggerate sexual skills you do not have, as this will come back to haunt you when the moment of reckoning comes and you are unable to deliver. A woman knows a man takes his ability to perform sexually very seriously, so sharing her dissatisfaction is not something a lot of women are comfortable doing. An outspoken woman might be frank with you but another woman might prefer to slowly pull away and spare you the blow of admitting that your penis size is an issue for her or she’s not happy with the way you perform.

2.    When he’s tight with money—Most women anticipate that their man will assist them financially if necessary. Don’t be fooled by the fact that she doesn’t ask you to help her. She’s probably hoping you will offer so don’t take her not asking as a sign that she’s OK with you not giving. Despite popular perception that there are too many beggy, beggy women, there are also women who are not comfortable asking a man for anything. They will accept if you offer and in some cases they expect you to offer without them having to ask. It’s better to offer your woman a gift and have her refuse it than to withhold assistance because you think she’s OK. Some men are hesitant to approach a woman they like if they are not in a financial position to date her. They probably cannot afford to take her out or buy her gifts but not every woman judges a man by his current situation. Some women observe your intentions and ambition so taking even a fruit to her each time you go to see her, shows her that you mean her well. Men, this is not about women wanting to dig out your pockets, choose wisely the woman you allow into your life and treat her well. When a man fails to take care of his lady’s needs, he leaves the door open for another man to come in and offer to do what he isn’t doing. Don’t allow your woman to be tempted because you are failing to take care of her needs. Depending on her personality, some women will be frank and tell a man that he is mean, but others will simply back away from a man once they discover that he’s not inclined to provide any financial support to her.

3.    Poor hygiene—There are men who take hygiene seriously. They like to look and feel clean. But there are others who simply do not take the time to ensure they are clean, smelling good and attractive for their women. Shaving, brushing teeth regularly, flossing and using deodorant are some of the little things that make a man a pleasure to get intimate with. A woman might like a man but does not like his hygiene practices and telling someone to step up on their hygiene is often one of the most difficult things for a person to do. If the relationship is new, it is highly unlikely that a woman will want to tell a man she isn’t happy with his hygiene. He perhaps has to look for subtle signals like her buying him deodorant, a special toothpaste,etc. But not every woman has the patience to deal with a man who does not practice good hygiene. Once she realizes he’s lacking in that department, she might slowly back away without an explanation. If you meet a woman, take note of how she carries herself, observe how she keeps her surroundings and this will give you subtle hints of how seriously she takes hygiene. You can then improve your own hygiene practices rather than wait for her to either tell you to step it up or pull a disappearing act.

4.    Cowardly behaviour- Most women want a man who makes them feel safe. They want to know he will step up and protect them as necessary and this is not just physical protection but emotionally, she wants a man who shows empathy, cares about her feelings, is mentally strong, solutions oriented and assertive. When a man displays cowardly behavior around a woman, especially one he is just getting to know, this can be a major turn off. If he takes her on a date, he should ensure she feels safe with him. If they come under any kind of attack, his first instinct should be to ensure he protects her from harm, not run away to save himself and leave her in harm’s way. For a woman, her man is her knight in shining armour, she expects him to love and protect her, and to have her best interest at heart. If a woman doesn’t feel that kind of confidence in a man who’s courting her, she might not stick around, unless her interest is dependent on what he can do for her financially.

5.    Secret Sexual orientation- Today, more men are openly gay or bisexual and there are women who knowingly marry gay and bisexual men. However, not every woman is OK with a man who is gay or bisexual. If this type of woman gets the slightest suspicion that the man she is with is secretly gay or bisexual, she might disappear without another word to him. One reason for this is the shame she feels about competing with another man for her man’s affections. It can leave her feeling very demoralized and damage her self esteem. 

Don’t Rub Butter in Puss Mouth

How many times have you heard women lament that their best friend ‘stole’ their man? A woman ending up with her best friend’s boyfriend is not strange, it happens more often than we think. I don’t believe anyone can ‘steal’ a man or woman from their partner. A person cannot be made to leave you unless they want to but sometimes a woman, without even realizing it, can create opportunities for her man to get with other women.

Good men exist but good doesn’t mean perfect and this is a lesson too many women are yet to grasp. While some men do love and respect their women very much and will not go seeking opportunities to cheat, a different scenario exists when a woman places temptation within easy reach of her man. That temptation comes in the form of other females who are close to her, including best friend/s and relatives.

Remember most men do not need to love a woman, to desire her. Although there are men who would prefer to lock themselves away to avoid the temptation of cheating with an attractive female, who is basically being handed to them on a platter, there are others who will definitely seize the opportunity. In some cases, it does not mean he always wanted to cheat on his woman but here is a situation where he didn’t even have to put any real effort into hunting.

 Here are some key things to note:

1.    Not every man has the will power to refuse an attractive woman- Men are highly visual beings. Even if a man loves you, it doesn’t mean he wont find other women attractive. If a man feels a strong sexual desire for a woman who is easily available to him, he rarely thinks about what will happen after he gets with her. The prey came right into his hands and his first instinct is normally to have the meal then deal with the repercussions afterward.  It’s the depth of love and respect he has for you, his principles, a genuine desire to not hurt you and will power that help him remain loyal.

2.     A good girlfriend is a gem to have, but a girlfriend loving you, doesn’t mean she wont be jealous of what you have- There are some loyal girlfriends who would never for a moment consider flirting with or trying to get with their friend’s boyfriend/husband. However, there are many who certainly will, if the opportunity presents itself. Ideally we would want a world where there are people who have no room for certain feelings in their heart but every human being is capable of feelings of jealousy and envy. For women, that includes being jealous of the man in your life, especially if he treats you well.

3.    Establish boundaries with females who stay over at your house—if a female friend or relative is visiting for an extended period, be sure to have a talk with them before the first night they stay over. Let them understand what you expect in terms of how they present themselves around your spouse. Nothing is wrong with telling them that revealing clothes should not be worn in the presence of your spouse. It’s your house. Anyone who visits should respect your rules.

4.    Don’t be an enabler to your own peril--- There are women who have a very trusting relationship with their female friends and feel very comfortable about them spending time alone with their spouse. Some women even ask their girlfriends to accompany their boyfriend to places, without them. Depending on the level of trust that exists between yourself and your partner and yourself and your friend, there might not be any reason to think this could backfire. But be mindful that the more time a person spends in the company of another, the greater the bond they develop, so don’t get too comfortable with this practice.

5.    You don’t need to be Matlock but you need to be wise - A man is an adult and if he values what he has with you, you shouldn’t have to go out of your way to keep him from slipping up. This is the logical view, but the truth is that we are imperfect beings seeking a perfect relationship which is just not possible so a smart woman will not set herself and her relationship up for drama. Men know how other men think and that is why most are wary of even their own friends being alone with their women. A woman should start thinking like a man when it comes to protecting what she has. Simply put, no female associate whether it is a close friend, colleague or relative, should be left alone with your man for any extended period…especially if she isn’t in a happy relationship. Don’t rub butter in puss mouth.

How to Remain Standing after a Messy Break up

Everyone will at some point experience anger at another person but the breakup of a relationship is one of the biggest tests of how well we can control negative emotions, especially feelings of anger and rejection. When people are angry, when they feel they have been wronged and are struggling with rejection, be prepared for anything.

If you’ve been through a breakup, depending on the kind of person your ex is, you may have experienced the wrath of your one time love, including attempts at character assassination. When a person has nothing good to say about their ex, question their motive. They must have seen something good in that person at some point throughout the relationship.

Whilst an angry ex can do damage to your reputation, if you remain true to yourself and do not try to match them for each low blow, you will come out standing. There are several reasons why an angry ex will launch an attack on you:

1.    They want to demonize and reduce you in the eyes of persons who thought highly of you--- Your ex is angry, feeling rejected and perhaps determined to make you a pariah. Whatever they can do to achieve that objective, they will so don’t be surprised when persons you’ve never discussed your personal affairs with, approach you with unpleasant rumours they have heard and are seeking clarification about your personal life.

2.    They want to cut off your support system—An angry ex feels wronged. They want everybody on their side so the objective is to get as many of your friends as possible to buy into the negative story and turn against you.

3.    They want to control you—although they can’t physically control you, an angry ex can still use psychology and manipulation to control your life. For instance, spreading rumours that you are a bad person can force you to begin walking on egg shells even though you know you are not that ‘bad’ person whom they seek to portray you as. By so doing, you hand over your power to them and they are able to control how you live your life.

You might want to consider the following approach to handling a messy break up:

1.    No matter what your ex says about you, don’t let him/her control your reaction. If you are a good and decent person who does not curse out people, don’t allow anyone to cause you to behave in a manner that will make you feel bad about yourself afterwards. Your ex’s objective is to draw you out. Your objective should be to maintain your standards in the face of the onslaught. Never allow someone to cause you to behave out of character.

2.    Insulting emails and texts? Have a good friend filter the emails and texts from your ex. If you are the type who is easy to get angry when people accuse you wrongfully, get a close trusted friend to filter the communication between yourself and your ex. They can read and tell you what’s worth discarding immediately versus what you need to respond to. If there is no compelling reason to read the emails or texts, such as matters to do with children you might share, do not even bother to read them. If it’s a really bad situation that is affecting your peace of mind, you might want to consider taking it a step further and blocking the person’s emails, phone calls and blocking them on social media.

3.    Change the password to all your email and social media accounts—It’s never wise to leave anything to chance when you are dealing with an angry ex and that includes access to your emails or social media accounts. Change your password and ensure you do not use any password your ex is likely to associate with you.

4.    Do not leave yourself open to mischief--- Be cautious about accepting friend requests from strange people on Facebook and other social media platforms and under no circumstances should you blindly accept invitations to date strangers or persons you communicate with only through social media.

5.    Do not send intimate photos of yourself to anyone seeking to date you. One of the biggest mistakes someone who’ve had a messy break-up could make is to send out naked photos and videos of themselves. You never know who is trying to get that kind of material to use against you and the lengths to which they will go to get their hands on it.

6.    Learn to laugh but be watchful—Laughing at someone who is trying to destroy you is one of the most effective ways of making them feel they are wasting their time. Your ex’s intention is to make your life miserable. When you laugh about their antics rather than cry it shows your strength and confuses them in the same way the devil is confused when you praise in the midst of the storm. However, be mindful that when some persons realize that their actions are not having the desired effect on you, they are likely to turn up the heat so be very watchful.

The key to remaining on your feet in the midst of attacks from a disgruntled ex is to know who you are, remain in control of your emotions and never allow another person to cause you to do or say anything that is out of character. One day, they will get tired and throw in the towel. When that happens you should be able to walk in public without feeling ashamed of your behavior throughout the storm.

5 Things a Man Should Know About an Independent Woman

More and more women are earning degrees, launching into business ventures and holding down jobs that allow them to be financially independent. However, a significant number of these women are struggling to find good partners who can comfortably handle their independence for a successful relationship. Sometimes the attitude of an independent woman is the main reason she is unable to have a successful relationship, however, men are also doing a number of things wrong, as it relates to relationships with a woman who can hold her own financially.

Here are a few things a man should know about a woman who can hold her own financially.

1.    A confident man is very attractive--- Men appear to be easily intimidated by women who don’t need them to be their main provider. However, confidence and ambition can go a far way for a man who wants to capture the heart of an independent woman. A man who has no money in his pocket but has loads of confidence, drive and ambition, can get further with an independent woman than a man who has some money but isn’t confident when he is around her. The key to getting this kind of woman to consider you worthy is your confidence and how you treat her.

2.    She still wants a man who can back her up -- Financial security carries a heavy weighting among things women want in their relationships but, being able to take care of herself doesn’t mean an independent woman wants a man who is unable to pull his weight in the relationship. Whilst she can afford to pay her own bills, this kind of woman still wants to know that a man is willing to contribute to her life in a tangible way. While she might not expect you to pay her rent, mortgage or utilities, she has hopes that you will be supportive and step up in other ways. If she always has to pay the bills on dates it can become tiring, so don’t sit back and wait for her to take out her purse every time you go out. She still wants gifts, she still wants to feel like a woman, she still wants to feel your impact in her life so step forward and do what you can or she will eventually lose respect for you.

3.    Don’t allow her success to intimidate you- Unless she is self-centered, most independent women do not want someone who fawns over them. She wants your respect and admiration but don’t act like you are star struck over her achievements. These women are often leaders, they are used to getting things done so they admire strong confident men who compliment those traits. The best way to get this kind of woman to take you seriously is to acknowledge her uniqueness but be confident in yourself as being deserving of her. Don’t tell her things like “I don’t deserve you or ask questions such as “What do you see in me?” Show her the value you bring to her life and be confident that you are what she needs.

4.    Be the man in the relationship - Some independent women can be head strong mainly because they are used to holding their own. She possibly got to where she is without depending on a man. The mistake some men make with these women is they refuse to be the man in the relationship. They sit back and wait for her to lead in every way when they should take charge of certain things without being controlling. Don’t wait for her to come up with solutions to every challenge you have, step out and lead. If you demonstrate that you are mentally strong and that she can trust you to resolve issues, she will have the confidence to let go of the desire to always lead. If you fail to be the man in the relationship, she might lose respect for you.

5.    Make her feel like the woman in the relationship—No matter how tough an independent woman appears to be, it is quite likely that she still wants to be treated like a kitten outside of work mode.  No man is an island so an independent women also wants companionship and balance in her life. Treat her like she’s the woman in the relationship and romance her. Stop seeing her as this strong woman who doesn’t need you. Show her that she can rely on you to bring her comfort and be her rock when she doesn’t feel strong.

Marie Berbick is a communications specialist, motivational speaker and founder of the women’s ministry Sisters United for Prayer, Healing, Empowerment & Restoration. (SUPHER).  Follow her on  twitter @thePR Girl. 

The Lure of the Married Man, Why Women Go There

The story of the other woman is an age old one which continues to play out with little sign of cessation despite the fact that society frowns upon the other woman in no uncertain terms.

While men often get a slap on the wrist for their infidelity, the woman gets something that is more comparable to a kick, one from which she sometimes never recovers especially if she is a serial side chick. A woman who becomes involved with a married man is taking a risk with her heart, her reputation and perhaps valuable time she will never be able to get back.

Studies have shown that only about 5% of married men leave their wives for the other woman and 93% of married men who cheat will not admit the cheating to their wives. If caught, they would rather throw the other woman under the bus because they do not want to risk what they have invested in their marriage.

So, despite the evidence of losses being more than gains, why do some women get involved and keep holding onto relationships with their married lovers?

1.    Financial--- Affairs cost and most women prefer a man who can comfortably provide for them. A woman who wants some extra financial help without committing to domestic life finds the perfect candidate in a married man who can give her that support without her having to take on the responsibilities of a wife. The man wants to keep his wife and he also wants to have the other woman available to him when he needs her so both are playing the game to their benefit.

2.    She got sucked in and believes he will leave his wife- A woman can start out by being a sounding board for a man who claims to be in an unhappy marriage. He will share with her more and more details of what is wrong in his marriage and if she is not careful, she eventually begins to see herself as the solution to his problems especially if he has expressed interest in her. A woman might believe she can rescue an unhappily married man from his ‘evil’ wife. A woman in this situation should be mindful that a lot of married men will not tell you the whole truth about the state of things in their marriage, worse if he is interested in her. Marriages have there down periods so a woman should not blindly believe that a married man will leave his wife for her. Despite his marital problems, it is highly likely that he and his wife still share a bed. You can give a listening ear but don’t become the sole sounding board. It’s best to refer him to a counselor before you get sucked in and the years pass you by, waiting for him to leave his wife.

3.    She doesn’t want a husband—She could be a single woman who has no interest in getting married or having children. She wants the sex, gifts and companionship without the responsibility of caring for a man, household and family. There is a growing number of women who can provide for themselves who see a married man as the answer to their sexual and companionship needs. 

4.    She’s vulnerable---A woman who is going through something challenging in her life is often not emotionally stable enough to make wise relationship decisions. She could be dealing with a broken relationship, divorce or some other emotionally challenging situation. A woman in any of these situations is vulnerable and will attract the wrong men as her vision is likely short sighted. She wants immediate attention and affection to soothe her pain thus she is an easy prey for the man who knows this and is willing to provide it in order to get close to her. This opens the door for unhealthy relationships including with the married man who knows how to treat a woman well but wants something other than a committed relationship.

5.    Generational curse/She’s a serial side chick---Some women simply do not want a man of their own. There is something about a married man that appeals to them so a cycle develops overtime where she moves from one married man to another. There can be a spiritual side to this behavior (generational curse), but not everyone will accept that a woman who has serial relationships with married men has a spiritual problem. They would rather label her a homewrecker and give her a whipping if they can.

6.    She was tricked-  Yes, there are women who became involved with men whom they had no idea were married until the wife finds out and contact them. The difficulty for some of these women is that they are now emotionally attached to the man and despite knowing that he is not available, they find it difficult to let go of the relationship. This is when the man will tell them what they want to hear in order to keep them hanging on and hoping he will eventually leave his wife. Although some men do leave their wives, most rarely do.

7.    She has power/emotional issues- There are women who are overachievers and are used to getting what they want and they apply the same mindset to getting a man. If she sees a man she wants, it matters not if he is married. She is used to winning so she will go after him just to prove to herself that she can get him. This is where the tables might turn in terms of her showering him with gifts to prove she can take care of him better than his wife.

Women have to be vigilant in finding out whether a man is already taken because a lot of married men do conceal their marital status from other women they are seeking to get involved with. A woman needs to know where the man lives, be allowed to visit his home after a reasonable period of dating, know where he works and at least know his friends, if not his family. A smart woman will also seek to see a man’s ID as soon as possible after they meet.

Marie Berbick is a communications specialist, motivational speaker and founder of the women’s ministry Sisters United for Prayer, Healing, Empowerment & Restoration. (SUPHER). Keep up with her on http://marieberbick.blogspot.com/ or follow her on  twitter @thePR Girl. Email marieberbick@gmail.com

7 Things a Woman Really Needs In a Man

As women, we sometimes believe we have it well thought through in terms of what we want in

a man, but we often overlook something very important—the things we really need in a man. Whilst a woman might not want anyone to tell her what kind of man she should be with, certain toxic patterns call for self-reflection. For instance, you tell yourself that you want a certain kind of man, yet despite being constantly lucky in finding that kind of man, the relationships simply do not work.

If you constantly go for the handsome, career guy who is financially secure, yet you have to compete relentlessly with other women for his attention, and he has little time to spend with you, you might want to look at needs versus wants.  Perhaps you want these types of men but they are not meeting your needs and you really need a guy who is less focused on climbing the corporate ladder, one is able to invest more time into building the relationship.

Your man doesn’t need to be handsome for your relationship to work, hence good looks isn’t a need. Needs are required for your overall well-being, they are like the oxygen in your relationship, wants aren’t necessarily so. However, we tend to become more caught up with what we want, rather than what we need. Wants tend to be superficial, while needs are more substance.  In relationships, misunderstanding your needs can make a significant difference between happiness and a life of misery. 

Here are seven things a woman really needs in a man.

1     A man who makes time for her---  A woman wants attention and quality time with her man. A man who does not spend time with his woman ignores her to his own peril. Regardless of how well he provides for her, if he does not take care of her emotional needs, the relationship is at risk. A man who makes time to do things with his woman is a keeper.  What she will never forget is if you cancel something else just to spend time with her.

2     A man who will talk and listen --- Men in general do not like to sit and talk or listen to their women for too long but guess what? She needs you to talk and listen so make the time. Women like to express themselves verbally. When a man sits and listens to what she has to say, it means a lot to her and don’t be trying to watch your favourite game at the same time she is speaking with you.

3     A man who respects and appreciates her--- A woman’s work is never done. Whether it is being a fulltime stay at home mom, or trying to juggle her career and taking care of the kids while ensuring her man’s needs are taken care of, it’s a lot of work.  Women need to feel respected and appreciated. A man doesn’t have to tell his woman ‘I love you’ every day but ensure she knows by your actions, that you respect and appreciate her.

4     A man who understands the importance of financial security---he doesn’t have to be rich but a woman needs a man who takes seriously his role as a provider. Whether or not his woman is earning her own money, a woman needs a man who values taking care of his household.

5     A man who never stops romancing her--- Long after the courtship is over, a woman still wants to be romanced by her man. Send her little love notes, romantic text messages in the middle of the work day, or just a simple ‘how’s your day going?’ to show her you are thinking about her.  Whatsapp her a song that sums up how you feel about her, have flowers delivered to her at work, these are all little romantic gestures that women need from a man.

6     A man who isn’t afraid to show emotions—There are some men who will never tell his woman I love you. He might do the things to make her comfortable but stays away from doing the things that he thinks makes him appear ‘soft’. The simple fact is some men are not comfortable expressing love sometimes because of how they were brought up. However women need to feel loved. Show her you love her and do not be afraid to tell her too.

7     A man who will protect her—Women like to have a sense of being secure so they like  to know that their men can and will protect them. A woman wants to know that if a situation arises, her man will not run away and leave her to fend for herself. A woman needs a man in whom she can have that kind of confidence.

Marie Berbick aka The PR Girl, is a Motivational Speaker, Communications Specialist, award-winning journalist and founder of the women’s ministry Sisters United for Prayer, Healing, Empowerment & Restoration. (SUPHER). Follow her on twitter @thePR Girl. Email marieberbick@gmail.com

Should You Tell Your Partner Everything About Your Past?

Openness and honesty are essential ingredients for a great relationship but being in love, or thinking that we are in love can cause us to do some unwise things, including spilling every detail about our lives to that person we think we are in love with.

Many people make mistakes especially in their young giddy headed days but some things should be left where they are, not carried over to stir up unnecessary problems in your current relationship. Whilst keeping secrets is not to be encouraged in any relationship, there are some things about your PAST that you do not NEED to tell your partner, here’s why.

1.    If it’s not necessary, you don’t need to share it—If the information has no bearing on your current relationship and is likely to stir up unnecessary jealousy and insecurity on the part of your partner, keep your mouth closed. In some instances, certain information is necessary for you to share. For example, if you have a criminal past, or you’ve had a medical procedure done in the past, which is affecting your ability to have children with your current partner, this is not information you should keep from your partner. If you are about to introduce your partner to a previous lover for business or other purposes, tell him/her you were once involved with this person or your secret could come back to haunt you. These are things you should not keep your partner in the dark about.
     However, if you cheated in a previous relationship, you have never cheated on your current partner and have a great relationship going with no interest in cheating, what’s the purpose of telling your partner you cheated in a previous relationship? Not every man can handle certain information, even if it’s from your past. Your unnecessary confession could do more harm than good to your current relationship.

2.    Raging hormones can cause you to not think rationally—When we feel like we are in love, we are likely to make decisions with our heart and not our head. One of the biggest mistakes particularly women make is to let loose after a good sex session.  When oxytocin is released during lovemaking, that feeling of attachment is very high. Unfortunately, that is when a lot of women throw caution to the wind and begin to talk like parrots about their past. Sex can be just a physical act, with no emotional attachment, especially for men, so think before you speak. 

3.    People get into relationships for various reasons: Not everybody is with their partner because they love and want to share the rest of their lives with them. People get into relationships for all kinds of selfish reasons so don't be too quick to share too much, too soon. Not all relationships end well and sometimes a jilted lover can become your worse nightmare if they decide to use what you’ve told them against you. 

4.    If the relationship is still young, share only what he/she NEEDs to know---Everyone deserves to know who they are getting involved with but you can date someone for months and still not KNOW that person. You can also be open and honest without being naïve. If you have not spent enough time together for you to determine that you can trust the person, be careful how much you share. People can be vindictive when things don’t work out.

Love is a wonderful thing and the high that comes from being in love is an incredible feeling but keep your head firmly screwed onto your body. Be wise when it comes to information about your past. Think before you spill.

Marie Berbick is a communications specialist, motivational speaker and founder of the women’s ministry Sisters United for Prayer, Healing, Empowerment & Restoration. (SUPHER). Keep up with her on http://marieberbick.blogspot.com/ or follow her on  twitter @thePR Girl. Email marieberbick@gmail.com

6 Things to Note if You're Considering Divorce or Ending a Long Term Relationship

So you’re now officially over…the relationship or marriage many people including yourself thought was made in Heaven wasn’t really so after all and now you are dealing with the estranged  spouse from hell who is determined to make you feel the heat. It is often said that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned but truthfully, it goes both ways! Unless your partner is a reasonable person, separation or divorce can expose you to some deeply unpleasant moments. It is perhaps very true that if you really want to know the person you marry, try divorcing them!

Here are some life lessons that you can apply in dealing with divorce or separation.

1.       1. Don’t move out your matrimonial home— ladies, don’t move out of your matrimonial home, especially if you have children. Unless your life is being threatened and you feel unsafe, stay in your home. If your spouse is abusive, get a protection and an occupation order and stay in your home with your children. If you are the type who sweeps incidences of physical abuse under the carpet because you are ashamed, and do not want your friends and family to know—stop it. Report those incidents of abuse to the police and ensure you receive a receipt at the police station. If you have had to seek medical attention, request a report from the doctor and also keep your medical expense receipts. These receipts will assist you in applying for a protection order if necessary as they will demonstrate to the court, your partner’s history of abusive behaviour.

2.    2. Research well before choosing a lawyer—a good lawyer can make a difference in how long your divorce or custody matters are before the court. It is imperative that you choose a lawyer who is experienced in family matters and is interested in bringing closure to your matters as quickly as possible. Whilst it is good to have a lawyer who will put up a good fight in your interest, especially if your divorce is contentious, it is also very important that the lawyer is interested in getting closure as soon as possible, especially if children are involved.  Failing that, you will likely find yourself before the court for a long time, in a drawn out and expensive divorce battle. The money you end up spending could have comfortably helped you to start over. Last year I met a man who is now broken in many ways— after more than 80 court appearances in a bitter 10 year divorce and custody battle.

3.    3. Do not use your children as pawns—Divorce or separation can be very difficult for the adults involved so think for a moment what it does to the children who are caught in the middle. Bitter spouses often use the children to get back at each other. Either the mother seeks to deprive the father of time with the children or it’s the other way around. One of the most irresponsible acts that couples in bitter divorces are sometimes guilty of is manipulation of the children where either the mother sets up the children against the father or the father sets the children up against the mother. What’s even worse is when one party falsely accuses the other of child abuse in an effort to gain custody. This can be a most demoralizing experience for the party who is falsely accused and if you are not strong you might even consider throwing up your hands, packing your bags and getting on the plane! If you do have a legitimate case of child abuse against your spouse, that is different but falsely accusing one’s spouse of child abuse during a custody battle is far more popular than we think according to the Office of the Children’s Registry. I can attest that without a good support system, you can crumble from the shame and stress.  A professional colleague in a prominent position who was falsely accused of child abuse by her estranged husband, described her experience as “some of the lowest moments of my life” after social workers showed up at her home and her children’s school numerous times and her estranged husband showed up at her office to berate her, claiming credit for her success. She had to get a protection order against him. If there is a genuine need for you to act to protect your children, do so, but if you are guilty of using your children as pawns in your divorce mess, you are doing serious damage to them.  Think about your pain, multiply it by double digits and that’s the pain your children are experiencing. Stop it.

4.    4.Try mediation before you decide to fight in court—as long as your partner is amiable to mediation, go for it. Mediation is far less expensive than a long, bitter court battle over things you could easily sit at a table and discuss with a mediator and agree on. Mind you, there are bitter spouses who are so determined to get at the other party that they refuse to consider mediation. However, always recommend to your spouse, the mediation route and if they insist on going to court, at least you did try so pray, put on your spiritual armour and feel confident that favour is with you as you are not personally fighting that battle.

5.    5. Keep all matters in one court—Your divorce is filed in the Supreme Court. As best as possible try to have all matters (maintenance and custody if applicable) heard in the same court. Having custody and maintenance heard separately in the Family Court can delay your divorce especially if these matters are contentious. If your spouse is the spiteful type they can also purposefully use a battle for custody of the children to delay the divorce. Remember, if the Supreme Court is not satisfied regarding the custody and welfare of your children, your divorce will not be granted. One of the challenges with the Family Court is that your matters can come before  different judges each time you appear and this can delay a resolution in those matters as a judge who is new in the matter, needs to ensure that due diligence is done. Consequently you can find your matter going around in circles for quite sometime. I personally almost lost count of the judges who heard my matters in the Family Court.

6.    6. Be fair and don’t be blinded by vindictiveness— As much as you might feel that you despise your estranged husband, don’t allow your anger to blind you. When we are angry, we cannot think rationally and many people go through their divorce with so much anger and bitterness that winning is all that matters and that means taking everything and leaving the other person with nothing. Wrong approach. Ask for what you are entitled to, but don’t try to prevent the other person from getting what they too are entitled to. People spend years acquiring assets and depending what age you are at when you separate or divorce, it could take many more years to rebuild. Your spouse deserves to have something too. Men, your ex-wife might not be your favourite person but she is still the mother of your children. Do not try to force her out in the street with your children.  Familiarize yourself with the pieces of legislation that are relevant in divorce cases, including the Property (Rights of Spouses) Act 2004. Knowledge of these laws and their interpretations will help you to make realistic decisions about whether you really want to go through a long bitter divorce battle rather than sit at a table like mature adults, work out differences, split assetts and peacefully go your separate ways.

Marie Berbick aka The PR Girl, is a Communications Specialist, motivational speaker and founder of the women’s ministry Sisters United for Prayer, Healing, Empowerment & Restoration. (SUPHER).