Plan Your Way Out of an Abusive Relationship

There are so many women in abusive relationships that are suffering in silence. Many seem to want to get out but are fearful. I noted in a recent article, three of the reasons women are fearful of leaving abusive partners.

These were, a genuine fear of their partners, financial constraints and children. There are other reasons too including women not wanting to give up assets and lifestyle. However, do not fool yourself, stress kills!  The material possessions you refuse to leave might outlive you! Your happiness and peace of mind are more important. One day you might very well wake up and your once healthy body just ‘pop dung’ without explanation, or you have aged significantly overnight.

A woman who truly wants out of an abusive relationship can break free if she wants it bad enough. She just needs to identify the solution to whatever is keeping her from leaving, and plan her way out.Children should not be the reason she remains in an abusive relationship. A child who grows up in abusive environment will quite likely replicate that behaviour with their partner in adulthood.  Here are some things to consider and possible strategies that can help you get out of an abusive relationship.

1.     Face your fears and deal with them—A woman who is constantly being beaten down physically or emotionally will eventually experience low self-esteem and battered woman’s syndrome. She will also become fearful of her abuser. To break free from that abusive environment, she has to face these fears head on and decide to tackle them. Start thinking solutions. This is my current situation, how do I get out? Start exploring the hows of your situation.

2. Reach out to someone—Some women are too ashamed of their situation to talk to anyone about it but there are many more women like yourself out there. The moment you decide to tell someone, you will realize just how many others are in a similar situation but are too afraid or ashamed to speak about it. It is imperative that a woman who is seeking to break free from an abusive relationship, gets support. If you don’t have a close friend or relative to confide in, find a support group or a women’s ministry at a church. You better believe that there are women in the church who are, or were in abusive relationships and can provide well needed advice and support. 

3. Start documenting the incidents of abuse—whether it is by taking pictures of your injuries, telling someone, reporting the abuse to a women’s crisis centre or the police, you need to start documenting the abuse. This is important because it will help you to get a protection (restraining) order when you finally decide to get out the relationship. 

4. Make no sudden moves, plan your way out-- Just like your grandmother would say, if your hand in a lion's mouth, tek time draw it out. In situations where economic constraints prevent you from leaving someone who abuses you, you have to be smart in pulling out. Make no sudden moves.  The strategy is for you to  plan and save your way out of the relationship. Let’s say you are working with a six month plan. You want out in six months but you need to be able to take care of yourself financially. Sum up your situation carefully. Do a tally of your monthly expenses. Ask yourself the following questions and then decide how to approach it. How much money do I need to earn monthly to comfortably support myself and, where children are involved, account for their expense too. 

5. Improve your skills to earn more -- The idea is to eliminate  the financial dependence that is preventing you from leaving the relationship. It is imperative that you recognize what skills you have that you can utilize to earn extra income. Can you earn the kind of money that you need to take care of yourself, using the skills you currently have? If you can't earn it with your current skills, what other  skills can you learn in a short time, that can earn you extra money? How much will these personal improvements cost you and how long will it take to complete the training? Remember you are working with short term now. Find a short course you can do that will help you make extra money. It could be makeup and skin care, nails, wig making, weaving, floral design, something you can do in 6 to 8 weeks and get a certificate. You could also type and format documents for companies and professionals if you have those skills or buy and sell items to start turning over some money.

6. Learn to defend yourself—a woman who wants out of an abusive relationship must learn to defend herself and this is not karate. Self-defense helps her to take care of herself with simple but effective techniques that can ward off an attacker and save her life. A woman in an abusive relationship should consider acquiring those simple skills that can be pretty useful in such situations. You wont use this new found skill to become the aggressor but can you imagine the surprise on that man’s face when next he attacks you and ends up with a powerful uppercut that knocks the breath out of him? Self defense instructor Jerome Morgan is one of the best instructors out there who works with women and has a special programme for women who are or have been in abusive relationships. Contact him at archangel9mm@gmail.com or look him up on Facebook at Arch Angel.

7. Identify your new home---If you plan to move, start asking around for somewhere to live at least two months before your six month plan expires. And don’t go moving into a house down the road from your abusive partner. Go as far away as you can.  Ask friends and colleagues to help you locate somewhere to live and be smart about where you choose to live. If you can get into a gated community, do so. If not, get to know your new neighbours even before you move in. They can help watch your back. Finally, you don’t need to move in one go. Take your time and move small items even over a week or two and preferably, get the rest of your things out when he’s not around.

Marie Berbick is a motivational speaker and founder of the women’s ministry Sisters United for Prayer, Healing, Empowerment & Restoration. (SUPHER). Keep up with her on http://marieberbick.blogspot.com/ or follow her on  twitter @thePR Girl. Email marieberbick@gmail.com

Returning to the Dating Scene After a Long Break? Here's a Checklist You Might Want to Consider

Returning to dating after a prolonged absence is almost like returning to study after a long break from the classroom. Every skill that you need to effectively 

play the dating game feels rusty, especially if you were in a long term relationship. In fact, it can feel like a “fish out of water” experience, with little or no idea how to handle yourself now that you’re back on the market.

Once you recognize your vulnerabilities, it’s time to purposefully seek to re-orientate yourself or you can bet you will get played by men who know exactly where you are at mentally. Re-orientation is necessary to help you understand the dynamics of the current dating scene, because it is quite likely that a lot has changed since you were busy being courted by your last long term partner.

For example, a woman who goes into a marriage childless, has children during the course of the marriage and divorces 10 years later, might find that her list of characteristics that she is seeking in a man, will need some adjustment.

It’s not a bad idea to start your re-orientation based on a checklist which could include the following:

1 Be clear in your mind about what kind of relationship you want at this stage of your life. Do you want to just date, have someone with whom you hang out and share quality time with no plans to settle or are you seeking someone for a committed relationship? Sometimes people who have been burnt in long term relationships never recover from the pain and carry with them the fear of commitment and seeds of mistrust for the rest of their lives. These are the people who might stick with just dating, no commitment. You must therefore be clear about the kind of relationship you want and use that as a guide to identify the right prospects.

 2. Develop a realistic checklist of the characteristics that you are seeking in a new partner—If you are interested in finding a new long term partner, having a realistic checklist of the qualities you are seeking in that partner is a good idea. Note I said realistic because for women with children, it’s important that he likes or can deal with your children. You might be single but you are a package deal and some men do not want to have to deal with the package. Whilst some men will date you because they find you very attractive, they might not want to get serious because they are not interested in your children. So find out from the beginning, whether he is the kind of man that can and wants to deal with a woman who has children.

3. Talk to your friends who are dating—One of the easiest ways to re-orientate yourself with dating after a long term relationship, is to talk to people who are single. Ask your responsible single friends to share tips with you on how to handle yourself as you seek to start dating again. Male colleagues can also be very useful in this regard. But, remember, not everyone’s experience will be applicable to you so listen keenly and be smart about your decisions.

4. Does he have children and does he want children with you? The second time around comes with some serious considerations and questions that you need to ask the prospective new partner. You might have children from your previous relationship, but does he also have kids and if not, does he want children and do YOU want more children?

5. Prepare yourself emotionally, mentally and otherwise—A woman who is still hurting from her previous relationship is not ready to take on a new partner or you might end up hurting that person. Ensure that you are mentally and emotionally ready, before putting yourself back on the market. You deserve a healthy relationship so work on the personal things that contribute to a healthy relationship before you begin dating again. This might mean getting counseling about any unresolved issue that can affect a new relationship. You can also use the time to work on yourself  physically if you think that losing a few pounds or changing your hairstyle will help you feel energized.

6. Keep an open mind—Don’t write off certain prospects because of age ideals. For example, don’t close your mind to the possibility of ending up with a younger man because you feel that they are not mature enough. While younger men might come with a red flag over their heads, there are some mature, responsible younger men out there who are actually looking for a woman like you. Given the opportunity, they will turn out to be great partners, who are responsible and mature.

7. Go where you can meet people—One of the things that frustrate women who are re-entering the dating scene is how difficult it is to actually find a good man. Bear in mind though, that if you are the type who goes to work and possibly church and back home, it is unlikely that you are exposed to enough new people to find a partner. So, start going out, even once a month to places that you are likely to meet new people. This also gives you the opportunity to re-orientate yourself with the dating scene by observing keenly, the behaviour of men and women on a date. Get involved in activities that take you outside of your little circle. Join professional associations, do some charity work, travel if you can afford to and last but not least, consider a reputable dating website that screens the prospects for you, but proceed with caution.

Marie Berbick aka The PR Girl, is a Communications Specialist, motivational speaker and founder of the women’s ministry Sisters United for Prayer, Healing, Empowerment & Restoration. (SUPHER). Follow her on twitter @thePR Girl. Email marieberbick@gmail.com

Improve Your Chances at a Successful Relationship

SOME of the smartest women I know have made bad and continue to make bad choices when it comes to men. They are smart, intelligent and are successful in every aspect of their lives, except relationships. So if a sister can make good decisions in business and other areas of her life, why can't she get it right when it comes to choosing a man?

A woman can be superb at managing her business because she understands that good business decisions are the practical ones made with the head. However, this same smart, intelligent woman might not be as good with managing her personal life because she makes those decisions solely with her heart.

Truthfully, women are emotional creatures, so when faced with relationship issues we tend to take an emotional approach to dealing with it and that's the basis of many of our problems. A woman, moreso a successful one, should not make decisions about choosing a partner based solely on her emotions. She has too much at stake.

Here are some lessons that a successful woman can apply to improve her chances of having a successful relationship.

1. Leave the boss lady hat at work. Women who are successful are usually leaders. They are used to charting their own courses and having others follow. Leaders are used to giving orders or inspiring others. Unfortunately when it comes to relationships, one of the biggest mistakes successful women make is that they fail to transition from boss to wife or girlfriend when they get home. They go home expecting their partners to also follow their lead. Men have huge egos and whilst they may want an intelligent and driven woman, most men do not want to be ordered around by their women, so leave the boss lady hat at your place of business.

2. Allow the man to feel like he's in charge of the household. When a man tells you that you should allow him to wear the pants in the household, it can mean one of two things: Either you are purposefully or unconsciously trying to take over his role, or he's the insecure controlling type who feels threatened by your independence. Whatever it is, take note and do what is necessary to correct the situation. If it's the former, step back and support but allow him to lead. If it's the latter, you need to seriously assess whether you've landed one of the insecure, controlling types that you ought to say goodbye to as quickly as possible.

3. Support his dreams. Although you might be successful, your partner also needs to feel fulfilled. He might be proud of your accomplishments but those are YOUR accomplishments, not his. If he isn't as successful as you are, once you can see that he has drive and ambition, listen to his ideas, encourage him, give him advice and help him execute. If you don't work with your partner to achieve his dreams, he might just find another woman who is interested and supportive of his aspirations.

4. Stop taking out your purse to pay for everything. There are some real gentlemen out there, but there are also some real gigolos who live off women who have some amount of spending power. There's nothing wrong with meeting a man halfway to pay on a date, but do not start off your relationship by exhibiting too much of the "independent woman" attitude. Some men are intimidated by women who are financially independent while some want your money. The man who is intimidated, once he realises that you like to pay your own way, if he was cultured to look after his lady financially, he might back off because he doesn't feel as though you need him. Men like to feel needed, so allow them to take care of the needs they can take care of.

5. Look out for the toy boy. He's usually drop-dead gorgeous, perhaps younger than you are, and his swag will have your friends and other women green with envy. However, there is one drawback-- he doesn't work and can't recall the last time he did. If you are a successful woman, unless this is the life you want to live, avoid these types of men at all costs. They are a recipe for your emotional meltdown.

6. Don't make a habit of having him drive your car. It is always nicer when your partner owns a car. However, the reality is that there are men who will court you who do not own a car. Allowing the man you are involved with to drive your car should be dependent on the stage of your relationship and how much you trust the man. Some men simply love to borrow your car, emergency or not. If it's just a man you are dating, and he doesn't own a car, ensure that you set some rules or you might just spot him driving one day with another woman's feet on your dashboard.

If you are financially independent you can find a good man. Just bear in mind that although you might be in a better position financially, a man still needs to be treated with respect. Let him feel valued, needed and appreciated and be sure to set your own boundaries to eliminate the unwanted suitors.

Marie Berbick is a motivational speaker and founder of the women’s ministry Sisters United for Prayer, Healing, Empowerment & Restoration. (SUPHER). Follow her on twitter @thePR Girl. Email marieberbick@gmail.com

6 Things the Hurting Woman Can Do to Protect Herself

Loneliness and the need for companionship are among the toughest challenges for anyone who is hurting, particularly someone who has just ended a relationship, or is going through a separation or divorce.

In those down times, some people may empathize with you, some will listen just to get a boost for their own deflated egos, some will listen to see how they can use your moment of weakness to their advantage, some will listen so that they can feel better about their own lives which in some cases are even sadder than yours and some will listen because they genuinely care and want to help.

It is during that break up period that you are quite likely to unconsciously disclose a lot of information about yourself on social media that can help predators to target you. Little clues about your relationship status and your state of mind can be gathered from the statements you post, the kinds of photos of yourself that you post, how frequently you post to your page and the times you post.  For example persons who make posts at odd hours of the night either work late shifts or they do not have a companion at home —social media is their company at nights.

If you are hurting or going through a break-up, until you’ve developed the mental toughness and learnt some key things that are necessary to protect you from predators, you are an easy target. Men (likewise women) can discern when you are most vulnerable. A divorced, separated or hurting woman is therefore like an endangered species, especially if she isn’t the type who has close friends or family to shield her. When you are going through relationship issues in particular, you need to be cognizant of your weaknesses and put in place protective measures for your welfare. Here are some tips for any hurting woman who recognizes her vulnerabilities and wants to protect herself

•  Have a support system---You need to surround yourself with people whom you can call and who will listen when you need to vent. Your support system can include friends, family, a formal support group, your pastor, ministers at church or a professional therapist. There’s nothing wrong with asking for support.

•  Have someone whom you are accountable to and who is assigned to watch your back—When you are hurting, you are very vulnerable…easy pickings for predators. Having a good friend in whom you can confide totally is important not only for your emotional stability but also your physical safety. That friend should know your whereabouts at any time of the day and should be someone who is willingly to talk tough love to you when necessary. This is the kind of person whom, if you tell him/her that you are about to do something and they think it’s a stupid move, they are not afraid to tell you that you are being stupid. This should be the friend who will come take the wheels of your car,  if they see you spinning out of control

• Do not rely on the support of male friends only-- One thing a hurting woman should not do is surround herself with only male friends when you are going through that break up period. Long time friendships can be destroyed during that period of vulnerability if you begin to rely heavily on your male friends only, for support. Some will begin to get butterflies for you now that you are no longer hitched. Some have wives or girlfriends who might not be comfortable with how much time he spends comforting you and it takes very little sometimes for a woman, or even a man, who is deeply wounded, to fall for that person who gives well needed support and  a listening ear each time you want to vent.

•   Find things to do that will take your mind off your problems—It is easy to slip into depression when you are hurting.  In low times, it’s easy to have mood swings. One minute you are laughing with friends and the next minute you suddenly tune them out as the sad memories roar in like a flood. Yes it happens but if you purposefully focus on spending time with others, doing things that you like, things that stir your passion, you are less likely to have time to feel down.

• Manage your personal time--Put in place, an organized personal structure that guides how you use your time. A lonely person is more likely to feel down or do something unwise if they have too much time by themselves. While it is important to spend time meditating for example, many people simply spend their alone time moping. Make a personal timetable that accounts for emotionally healthy activities every hour of the day including your sleep time.

• Make time for prayer ---Often it isn’t until we are going through our lowest moments that we discover a connection with God through prayer. The hurting man or woman, when they feel like no one else cares, might reach out to God and that’s the beginning of their spiritual connection. However, it is very real too that people who are overwhelmed with problems, sometimes experience moments when they simply cannot pray and do not want to hear about God. I have had my moments and many friends admit they too have had those moments. What I can say though, is that prayer works. If you pray consistently, make prayer a part of your daily routine and stop trying to solve your issues by yourself, you will see the results of those prayers.

5 Things to Help You Walk Away from a Toxic Relationship

So you’re in a relationship that is draining you in every way. You spend more time worrying about your relationship than you do, enjoying it, yet still you can’t find the strength to just cut loose. Your story is not strange. In fact, you’d be surprised how many people are in relationships that are slowly draining them mentally, physically and emotionally, yet they remain in the situation.

There are people who are simply toxic in their relationships with others. These are people to be avoided. Do not be afraid to ask the hard questions when you meet someone who is interested in you. What’s their relationship history? Go out on dates and observe how they treat others and how they relate to their friends, family, and the people they claim to love. How they treat those they love is a good indicator of their interpretation of love and what you are likely to experience.

If you’re serious about being able to avoid or getting out of a toxic relationship, you might find the following pointers useful.

·         Be honest with yourself about what you are seeing: Being in a relationship that you’re struggling to make work, is sometimes like trying to squeeze toothpaste from an empty tube. You know it’s a humongous task to get the toothpaste out. Sometimes you squeeze until you can hear the air coming out the tube but you’re so steadfast in your belief that some where inside that tube, there’s some toothpaste that you keep squeezing the tube anyway, twisting it various ways in the hope that the toothpaste will eventually come out. Relationships can be very exciting but walk in with your eyes open and don’t see something that isn’t there simply because you so badly want it to work.

·         Establish boundaries in your relationships: We tell people how to treat us by how we treat ourselves. If someone sees that you are willing to accept bad treatment, they have no reason to treat you well. In a relationship, there are two imperfect people trying to somehow have a ‘perfect’ life so things will not always be great. However, relationships must have boundaries and when you fail to impress upon your partner, from early in the relationship what your boundaries are, you leave yourself open to anything he/she might feel like subjecting you to.

·         Know your worth and act like it: If you go around feeling that you are not worthy of good treatment, you don’t even need to open your mouth and say it…people will pick up that you have low self esteem simply by looking at you, your behaviour when you’re in the company of others, your entire demeanor will give you away. If you walk into a room, have confidence in yourself and tell yourself that you deserve the best man or woman in that room or you will attract the worse.

·         The longer you stay in a bad situation, the more difficult it becomes to break free: The sad truth is that  many people refuse to see the signs of a bad relationship from early, so like the frog in the water which is slowly being heated beneath him,  they allow themselves to become aclimatized  to the mess. The longer you take to walk away from something unhealthy, the more adjusted you become to that negative situation. You can lose yourself so much in a toxic relationship that you forget what a normal relationship is supposed to feel like. Many persons who’ve been in toxic relationships have deep regrets because one day they wake up and realize that they’ve probably spent the best years of their life, fighting a battle that wasn’t worth it.

·         Pull back and assess where you are: If you find that you keep having the same type of relationships, the same kinds of people keep crossing your path, with the same kind of drama and stress, it is perhaps time to look inward…step back and take a long, hard look at yourself. What is it about you that is attracting these kinds of people to you? What similar characteristics have you noticed with these people you are attracting and what do you have in common with them? What many people fail to realize is that like spirits attract, For instance, people with low self esteem often attract people who also have low self esteem. The saying “show me your friends and I will tell you who you are,” shouldn’t be taken lightly. People gravitate to people who they believe are similar to themselves. If you’ve been in a string of toxic relationships, it is very possible that there is something about you that toxic people are attracted to. You need to identify and deal with it to break that cycle.

Marie Berbick is a motivational speaker and founder of the women’s ministry Sisters United for Prayer, Healing, Empowerment & Restoration. (SUPHER). Follow her on twitter @thePR Girl. Email marieberbick@gmail.com

Logging On to Love--The Pros and Cons of Online Dating

Five or ten years ago, anyone who told you they were on a dating website would probably be regarded as weird because of the stigma that was attached to online dating. Today, new research is showing that online dating is now the 2^nd most popular way of meeting someone and the stigma that was attached to the idea of seeking a mate online is fast disappearing.

In 2005, a Pew Research Centre survey found that 44% of adults interviewed thought online dating was a good way to meet someone. By 2015, that figure had increased to 59% while the stigmatized view that online dating was for desperate persons has faded from 29 to 23% over the same period.

Jamaicans are also logging on to love, with more and more singles and even those who are attached, utilizing social media and dating websites to find a mate. Some are free while others require a fee to join but more persons are utilizing normal social media sites such as Facebook and even the professional social media network Linked-In to find someone special.

Log onto some of the more notable free dating websites such as POF.com and you will be sure to find an abundance of Jamaicans seeking a mate. However, don’t be surprised if you see your neighbor or even your mate among them! While online dating is a very convenient way of meeting a potential mate, there are also pitfalls to this exciting journey. Here are a few:

1.    Not everybody is looking for a committed relationship: Look out for the players, both men and women. Despite what they say about wanting a relationship, sometimes you can tell from their profile statement that they are simply looking for a fling, rather than a serious relationship. Listen keenly to what is not said. If their relationship status says “complicated” that’s a good enough reason to take your time and ask some probing questions whilst first contact is established.

2.    The person you meet online might be a very different person when you actually meet. Personality is important in determining if two people are good for each other. Online dating allows a lot of people to hide behind a keyboard, create a fake persona and convince another person that they are someone they are not. Some are shy people who come alive once you are not physically seeing them. Try to meet the person as early as possible, so that you can sum them up properly in different situations less you end up wasting your time talking to a recluse for months and end up being disappointed when you actually meet.

3.    Beware of fake and outdated photos—One of the biggest disappointments for some persons who try online dating occurs when the handsome man or beautiful woman they believe they had been talking to turns out to be anything but. Some persons out rightly deceive with fake photos or utilize photos of themselves from their ‘glory’ days which may have long passed.  This is why a lot of persons now prefer to video talk when they have met someone online as they want to see who they are talking to.

4.    Married people and people with live-in partners are on dating websites posing as singles-Married and committed people, some of whom are bored, sad or just bad, are on dating websites too. Their status might say single when they are very much married or living with their spouse. Guard your heart when trying online dating. Avoid becoming too emotionally attached to someone you’ve only talked with online and are yet to meet in person. Sometimes these people are simply going through a lull in their relationships or marriages and want to be re-assured that they still ‘have it’ so online dating is a perfect way to get validation without their spouse ever finding out about their infidelity.

5.    Find out as much as you can as early as possible-- When you meet someone on a dating website, try to find out as much as you can about them off that site. Google them, ask to be friends on Facebook so that you can see who their ‘friends’ are. Do not limit your communication to the dating website only, get their mobile number and other contact information and purposefully initiate communication at different times of the day to see whether they have a pattern that suggests they could be married or living with someone. Don’t feel guilty about checking out people you’ve met online because it is quite likely that they are also running background checks on you. There are locally based private investigators whose services have been requested by persons overseas to run checks on persons in Jamaican whom they have met online. Doing the early detective work can save you from a major heartbreak later.

6.    Long distance relationships require commitment and lots of work—Some persons who live far apart have met online, had successful courtships despite the distance and ended up getting married. However, not everyone will be this lucky. Long distance relationships are not for everyone. They require a lot of work, a clear understanding of both parties’ plans in terms of relocation and a strong commitment to remaining focused on each other until they can permanently be with each other.

Marie Berbick is a motivational speaker and founder of the women’s ministry Sisters United for Prayer, Healing, Empowerment & Restoration. (SUPHER). Follow her on twitter @thePR Girl. Email marieberbick@gmail.com

Hell Hath No Fury Like a Man Cheated On!

They say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned but that’s not exactly true. Hell hath no fury like a man cheated on! Ask any man what he fears most in a relationship and his response won’t be losing his money. It’s giving his heart to a woman who cheats on him or leaves him for another man.

Men are hunters and they are very competitive and territorial about their women. A man can own a host of material things that he cherishes but he is better able to deal with losing material things, than he is at dealing with being cheated on. Even if he has other women, that special woman who has his heart must not cheat. She is HIS and another man crossing the line into his territory is not only seen as daring and disrespectful but it is demoralizing to him.

If she cheats on him, it is as though a rug has been swept from under his feet—a massive blow to that feeling of being the King of the hill.  This is because ego is a major part of what sustains a man in a relationship and being cheated on is a huge blow to his ego.

One of the toughest things for a man whose woman cheats is having to block out the thoughts of her in bed with the other man. Men are visual beings with photographic minds, especially when it comes to sex, so a man who has been cheated on immediately begins to conjure up images of the other man being intimate with his woman and it drives him nuts.

Sometimes the cheating doesn’t even have to physically take place before he begins to formulate images in his mind. He just needs to know or suspect that another man is moving in on his woman and the images of her with him, is enough to make him snap. He cannot fathom the thought of another man being intimate with his woman.

Being such a visual being is what aids in pushing a man over the edge if he suspects that his woman might be cheating. Right away he is thinking about the sexual things he may have done with his woman, her expressions and reactions and he conjures up images of his woman in similar scenes of intimacy with this other man. His mind goes into overdrive trying to figure if she considers the other man a better lover than he is.

For the most part, a woman wants to think that a man, at the first sight of her, has a pure mind, with no immediate thought of what it would be like to have sex with her but no such thing. Men are wired to think about sex.  The UK Telegraph in 2014, quoted a study in the Journal of Sex Research, which found that men think about sex – on average – 34 times a day, compared with women at 19. Based on the confessions of even men we consider to be gentlemen, within a short time of meeting a woman he likes, a man begins to visualize what she looks like without her clothes and what both of you would look like in the Garden of Eden! 

Another tough scenario for a man who has been cheated on, is that he might even have other women and does things with them that he does not do with his woman at home. If she cheats, he imagines that man, possibly doing to her, the things he has done with his other women and that kills him. When it comes to cheating, it is easier for him to give than to take.

Men understand each other. A man might cheat and when he is with friends, boast about his sexual encounters with other women. He is OK with beating his chest as long as he doesn’t think that HIS woman is cheating on him because a healthy ego is an important part of what defines him as ‘the man’ in a relationship.

In one of my little sessions with male friends last week, I was schooled that some men also extend their territorial rights to their other women.  It’s just a man thing. One of the men in the focus group explained it like this: A man might be able to deal with a side woman who has been involved with 49 other men before he came into the picture. However, number 51 must not happen. She stops with him, number 50 and that’s that. If she gets involved with number 51 he views it as cheating although he has HIS bonafide woman at home.

The knowledge among men, of how they think, how they view sex and cheating, is what makes a man so afraid to trust another man around his woman. A man wants to be able to own his woman and shout it from the mountain top that she is faithful to him. A woman who holds a man’s heart can do serious damage to him if she cheats for she has power over his ego. The truth is that men, despite their tough facade are very much human, and quite vulnerable emotionally.

 http://www.jamaicaobserver.com/magazines/allwoman/Hell-hath-no-fury-like-a-man-cheated-on_62221

Marie Berbick is a motivational speaker and founder of the women’s ministry Sisters United for Prayer, Healing, Empowerment & Restoration. (SUPHER). Follow her on twitter @thePR Girl. Email marieberbick@gmail.com

Starting Over after Divorce or a Failed Relationship

For most persons who have been through a divorce or failed long term relationship, starting over can seem like a daunting task, one that many people fear. Just getting out the starting blocks to re-invent yourself and try again can come with genuine fear.  Fear of failing…again, or fear of the unknown and for some people, there is often a fear of flying solo again.

But how does one get past the fears and just do it? For some persons, who do not seek professional help or spiritual healing, that fear of starting over never leaves them and they spend the rest of their lives with emotional scars that rob them of happiness.

If you are really serious about starting over, and walking through the new doors that are already opened for you, there are several things you must accept and be willing to do, in order to move on.

• .Accept that things didn’t work out with that other person and acknowledge your role in the failures: It takes two to tango, so despite what your partner may have done and the extent of damage their behavior caused, you still need to look within. Doing your own self examination will help you to adopt a more successful approach to your next relationship.

• Take the lessons learnt and apply them to help you move forward: There is always some useful lesson to take away from a failed relationship. I often say there are no mistakes, just opportunities for us to learn to be smarter and wiser in our approach to life. If the man was ‘Mr. Perfect” when you met him, what changed or what were the red flags that you missed during the courtship? Sometimes the issues we perceive to be little things and overlook them during the courtship are actually the ones most likely to cause major problems later in the relationship. 
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• .       Work on yourself:  Some of us overlook the need for professional help after a failed marriage or relationship. Men are notorious for avoiding counselling but ladies, counsellors serve their purpose. Whether you seek that support through the church or a professional counsellor, it does help to get counselling as a failed relationship can seriously affect your self esteem. There are many bitter, hurting and emotionally traumatized women out there who need professional help and spiritual healing. Some have vowed never to re-marry, some are sworn off men, and some are looking for men to punish. Seek counseling after that broken marriage. Don’t rob yourself of the ability to experience the healthy relationship you deserve.

• .    Allow healing to take place before you try again. If you are angry and feeling like a failure, do not even think about embarking on another relationship. Allow healing to take place first. There are several stages that we go through after a broken relationship, including denial and anger. I recall walking around for months with the ‘don’t even think about it’ look on my face as a warning to men who had any inkling that they could approach me. It doesn’t help you. You must also guard your heart. A divorced, separated or hurting woman is very vulnerable and a prime target for men seeking something other than a meaningful relationship. If you are not careful, you will find yourself attracting all the wrong types of men during this period of vulnerability. That is why a good support system is necessary for any woman going through separation or divorce.

• .    Adjust your mind to your new situation: One of the most challenging things for any woman going through separation or divorce is learning to adjust to the new financial realities. As my mother would say “Bend your mind to your condition”. In some situations, your partner may even seek to ‘punish’ you for leaving that marriage by tightening up the purse strings and the children too will experience some harsh realities when you are no longer able to buy everything they pick up in the supermarket. Whilst you seek maintenance for your children, which is your right, re-adjust your mind, accept that your spending power has been reduced and seek out opportunities for additional income. Also use the opportunity to be a better financial manager and seek professional advice on investment options. Adopt an attitude of ‘needs versus wants’ toward your spending. The longer you take to accept that things aren’t the way they used to be financially and work with what you have, the longer you will remain miserable and angry.

• 6.    Rebrand yourself: Starting over after a divorce or broken relationship requires you to rebrand yourself. Shed the old skin and come out with a new attitude and confidence that radiates. Some of us were married for a long time and completely forgot how to do things without a partner. Our dependence makes it difficult for us to re-adjust when we find ourselves forced to fly solo again. The good thing is that these situations can allow us to discover talents and strengths we didn’t know we had! Welcome the change and see it as an opportunity to discover the new you. You can start over, you can successfully fly solo until that special person comes along. A divorce or broken relationship can throw you out to sea but it’s up to you to either sink or swim. What’s your choice?

Marie Berbick aka The PR Girl, is a Communications Specialist, motivational speaker and founder of the women’s ministry Sisters United for Prayer, Healing, Empowerment & Restoration. (SUPHER)Catch up with her articles on her blog Diary of a PR Girl at http://diaryofajamaicanprgirl.blogspot.com/. Email marieberbick@gmail.com

Why He Dumps You for Another After You've Invested So Much in Him

It’s a story that isn’t strange to us. There is the self-sufficient good woman who has for a long time been with a man who has not necessarily achieved much for himself. She sticks with him, invests in and supports him in every way.  For years she faithfully awaits the ring. Suddenly he dumps her and shortly after, marries a woman who just does not seem to be able to measure up to her in terms of achievements.

Then there is the hardworking, not so educated man who spends his money sending his woman to school, she achieves her degree and dumps him after, often for someone she now considers to be a more suitable match in terms of social status, education and finances.

The damage to the jilted person can be temporary or permanent depending on whether they get help to heal their hurt, restore their self-esteem and rebuild trust. Damaged self –esteem and deflated egos are never easy to mend but why would a man or a woman described in the scenarios presented, walk away from seemingly good partners who have over a long period, invested so much in them and in short order, commit to another?

The Lesson  for the ladies- Good women who invest in men who are perhaps not on the same level with them in terms of achievements and financial capabilities, should know that most men do not like to feel inadequate. Men have big egos, especially when it comes to being able to provide for their women. A man who cannot provide adequately will feel small regardless of how you re-assure him. So he might stay with you, take your teaching, accept your support in every way you offer him. Harsh as it might sound, put aside the emotions for a moment and let’s be practical. What you are doing is grooming him…sometimes for another.

While he is with you, he learns from you what a woman values in a good partner and he is preparing himself to be that good partner but, sometimes, not to you. Yes. You might be preparing him to be the perfect husband to a woman with whom he can finally feel like a man. You have groomed him well and he could even be very grateful to you but he cannot feel like a King with a woman whom he views psychologically, as playing his role. That is why a man might leave his long time woman and within a short time of that break up, he marries another woman whom the long time woman would not have considered equal competition.  What you need to note is that the new woman is not beneath his standards. She is exactly what he is looking for. Perhaps she is less educated or less successful materially but once he finds her, he is gone and it’s not because you are not a good woman or something is wrong with you. It’s because your role in his life has expired. When he leaves, he’s much more confident in his ability to be a good partner to a woman he now knows he can be the King of the Hill with.

A woman who finds herself in that situation of having groomed a man who leaves her for another woman, needs to accept that she is a good woman but she’s perhaps not good at finding the right man for her. Find a man who is secure with a woman who can hold her own. You can find a man and build together but some women are groomers. They fail to realize that they take their maternal instinct too far when it comes to relationships. Stop looking specifically for men you need to mother or groom and allow your man to come to you ready to be a husband. Some men, if they are not in a good financial position when they come into your life, they will not be secure with you. Regardless of how much you invest to bring him up to your level, it’s no guarantee he will stay with you.

The Lesson for Men— There are good genuine women who enter relationships for love. Although they appreciate a man who can take care of them, money isn’t the deciding factor. However, a man who will spend on them is important to a lot of women so a man should be discerning about the type of woman he gets involved with. A man who invests in a woman by paying for her education is likely to expect her to remain with him but expectations and assumptions are sometimes recipes for disaster in relationships. Not everyone thinks the way you do or operates according to your standards or expectations.

If the woman you invested in elevates herself through education, depending on her character, she might want you to now do the same to match her intellectually and socially. Another woman might simply move right along to find a man she now considers her equal. It’s a cold reality but people will take as much as you allow them to, so guard your heart. When it comes to investing in a woman, some men give without expectations, others give because they expect returns. Give what you know you can let go of, without becoming extremely bitter if your expectations are not realized. Whilst you cannot read a woman’s mind, take your time to get to know a woman, feel her out, ask questions which give you insight into her mindset, the kind of man she envisions spending her life with. If you don’t fit the bill, taper your investment because you might just be a stepping stone toward preparing her for him.

Marie Berbick is a motivational speaker and founder of the women’s ministry Sisters United for Prayer, Healing, Empowerment & Restoration. (SUPHER). Follow her on twitter @thePR Girl. Email marieberbick@gmail.com

Why Some Men Prefer Older Women

http://www.jamaicaobserver.com/magazines/allwoman/Why-some-men-prefer-older-women_51720

A man can find a woman who is many years younger than he is, without raising too many eyebrows but alas, when the table is turned and a more mature woman takes on a younger man, she’s seen as a cougar or he is seen as an opportunist, especially if she has money.

However there are men out there who really do seem to love older women and are not driven by what she has materially. So what’s the attraction for these younger men? I asked some of my male friends who are with older women, what attracted them to an older woman. Among the explanations were the following:

1.    Older women know how to boost a man’s ego—Older women apparently understand men more. An older woman knows from experience that a man likes to have his ego rubbed. She knows that feeling wanted, needed and appreciated is important to a man and the more she makes him feel like Superman, the more appreciative he is of her. If you fail to make a man feel like he is needed, quite possibly, he’ll end up with someone who does.

2.    Older women have more realistic expectations---Men like when a woman is mature in her behavior, thinking and expectations as it relates to their relationship. No relationship will be perfect but older women have a more realistic approach to dealing with issues in their relationship. The older a woman is, the less likely she is  to expect that she will meet ‘the perfect guy’.

3.    Older women are more sexually experienced –It’s no secret that sex and intimacy are important in a relationship and men value a woman who is comfortable with her sexuality and confident in bed. Whilst a younger woman sometimes has insecurities about her body and is perhaps looking to learn from her partner, older women know and say what they want and are often more focused on satisfying their partner.

4.    Older women already know what they want—While a younger woman might still be in the experimental stage where choosing a partner is concerned, an older woman, because of her experience, is normally more aware of what she wants in a man. An older woman might have been through the ups and downs and is at a point in her life where she knows what’s important in a partner and what isn’t. The superficial things will not weigh as heavily as they do for a younger woman.

5.    Older women are more independent in dealing with issues—There are exceptions to every rule, including age and independence but for the most part, older women are more likely to be independent in their thinking, actions and personal situations. Most men do not like when a woman feels compelled to make her decisions based on the advice of her mother or girlfriends. They like a woman who is an independent thinker and mature in her approach to decision making.

6.    Older women are more likely to be economically independent—Yes there are men who are making it very clear from the onset, that they do not want a woman who will be totally dependent on them to pay their bills. An older woman who perhaps has her own house, a decent paying job and some money invested will find favour with men who are looking for a woman who can stand on her feet financially.

7.    Older women are focused on the things that matter—Men like women who are not caught up in the superficial. They prefer when a woman is level headed and not materialistic. Older women tend to be less focused on the trivial things such as wearing the latest fashions and more focused on family and building and sustaining a good relationship.

8.    Older women are more interested in committing—After a certain age, sometimes mid 30s, most women want to be in a committed relationship that will lead to marriage. A man who is interested in settling down, knows that an older woman is less likely to be interested in casual dating.

Marie Berbick aka The PR Girl, is a Communications Specialist, motivational speaker and founder of the women’s ministry Sisters United for Prayer, Healing, Empowerment & Restoration. (SUPHER). Follow her on twitter @thePR Girl. Email marieberbick@gmail.com