When the Relationship Exists Only in your Head

Sometimes women being the emotional creatures we are, think we are in a relationship

when the man we are supposedly in the relationship with, sees things very differently. Most women like to know a man is not afraid to commit. In their hurry to get him to commit, they commit him themselves. Everything might even seem normal in terms of being seen together publicly, going out on dates and spending time together. However, this is no guarantee that you are in fact in a relationship.

You can date someone for months and still not be in a relationship. The mistake women make sometimes, is that they automatically assume that once they have been seeing someone for a few weeks or even months, they occupy the position of girlfriend. They quickly change their Facebook status to ‘in a relationship’ and close the door on other prospects without having a frank discussion with the man to ensure he is on the same page. 

Some men will date a woman without committing to a relationship, for as long as she allows it. Ask the frank questions up front, what is he looking for? What does he like about you? Does he see you as the woman he could spend the rest of his life with? Is he dating other persons or is this something exclusive and serious?

Social Media has become one of the most popular facilitators of ‘fantasy’ relationships. Although Social media has enabled some persons to meet their ideal partners it has  also provided men and women with opportunities to lead others down an empty road, into ‘relationships’, that one party sometimes knows doesn’t exist but the other is totally unaware.

 For example, you’ve ‘met’ someone via social media. You are yet to see them in person but you text, voice note and video call every day. It feels wonderful just like a normal relationship, with all the emojis, love hearts and roses you received via texting. In your mind, you have a relationship with this person and even tell others that you have a boyfriend/girlfriend. Months down the road, you finally meet this person and realize that things were not as you thought. The person is either married, attached or single but not in a relationship with YOU.

This is happening more regularly these days as a wider pool of persons become accessible to us thanks to communication technology, particularly via social media. I’ve said before that some persons would be shocked if they were to get a glimpse of their partner’s mobile phone, the number of persons they interact with in a romantic way. The truth is that many of these people are living out a fantasy because their situation might be such that they cannot be in a real relationship.

Here are some situations where the relationship exists only in your head.

1.    Some persons are married and bored: The person you are communicating with is perhaps married but bored in their marriage. They have no intention of leaving their spouse but need a little oomph or excitement to help them through the slump. The easiest way to get someone to come for this ride with them is via social media.  If the person texts, voicenotes or speaks to you only during the day time, often has to abruptly end conversations and you can never video call them, those are red flags. They are quite likely married or in a committed relationship and you’re their fantasy partner.

2.    He/she communicates only by text: Easy and fun as it may be, a relationship cannot be sustained by texting. Two people who are seriously interested in each other need to talk to each other, see each other, spend time with each other, do things together. There are persons who are pretty comfortable texting but clam up the moment the thought of an actual voice conversation is raised. If this happens, don’t even bother to waste your time. You are not in a relationship. The person needs a text buddy to pass time with.

3.    He/she sends you mainly sexually explicit messages: If you ‘meet’ someone via social media, they ‘like’ or comment only on those photos in which you are skimpily attired and sends you endless photos of themselves nude or in states of undress, they are interested in a sex buddy, not a relationship. It doesn’t matter how long you have been communicating with them, how many times they have told you how beautiful you are and how flattered you are by the attention. It doesn’t matter how nice a guy he seems.  If their interest is centered around exchanging nude photos and they have never invited you on a date, you are likely dealing with a pervert, not someone who wants a relationship.

4.    He is never available to do the things that matter: If you are seeing someone who is available for sex but does not make himself available to do with you, the things a normal couple would do together, you are not in a relationship. If you have children and he has never made time to meet them, interact with them, never accompanied you to do some shopping, never sat down and ate a meal you have prepared, never calls you to check how you are after some heavy rain, never sought to go get you some Panadol if you have a headache, never volunteered to take your car to the car wash, simple things like these that a man in a relationship would do for his lady, don’t fool yourself. You are not in a relationship. What you have is an unspoken arrangement to provide each other with sex.

     Don’t be afraid to ask outright, where you stand. You will save yourself the heartache that comes with finding out later, that what you thought was a relationship, existed only in YOUR mind.

Marie Berbick is a motivational speaker and founder of the women’s ministry Sisters United for Prayer, Healing, Empowerment & Restoration. (SUPHER). Keep up with her on http://marieberbick.blogspot.com/ or follow her on  twitter @thePR Girl. Email marieberbick@gmail.com

When His Family Isn’t Into You

A woman who is in a relationship with a man whose family doesn’t fancy her is normally forced to fight for acceptance. But should she even bother with trying to win their acceptance? Does it matter if his family likes you or not? A decision to fight for acceptance or approval is totally up to you. It certainly makes things less stressful for the relationship when his family likes you but some women couldn’t care less. As long as the man is happy with her, she is good, after all she isn’t marrying his family? Or is she? However you wish to look at it, once you are in that man’s life, you will be affected if his family isn’t into you. How yourself and your partner deal with it, determine the longevity of your relationship.

The struggle for acceptance is not limited to the women either. While women want to be accepted by their man’s family, men also want to be accepted by their lady’s family. For the women, if the man is close to his mother, winning the heart of the mother-in-law is important, for if mama isn’t into you, your goose is cooked.  On the other hand, the men want to win over their woman’s dad who is often the one that gives them the hardest time.

It is very helpful when a woman who finds herself in an unwelcoming family, has a man with backbone. Whilst some men will try their best to remain balanced in these situations, it is very difficult not to choose sides. Some will ostracize their family in support of the woman in their life, others will often defend their family when the frustrated girlfriend lashes out at them and this can cause serious tension and disquiet in the relationship.

How much does it matter if the man’s family is into you or not? As long as you are both happy, who cares what his family thinks of you? Some men definitely do not see it this way.. After a good talk with some male friends about how a man handles situations where his family isn’t into his lady, it became evident that for most of them who are close to their families, they do want their family to like their lady. It makes for a more peaceful life.

My younger brother is one of those men who is deeply analytic and very mature in his approach to life and relationships. He recently got married and couldn’t hide his delight at the fact that all his sisters and his mom liked his bride! “All my sisters like my lady. Means I made a good choice for my sisters are very critical,” he boasted on Facebook.

Some men, for a peaceful life will keep the woman in his life away from his family because he is often able to tell from the get go, that they aren’t going to like her. The last thing a man wants is to be forced to choose between his girl and his family. Some men will hide the woman they are dating because they know their family will not like her and they do take the opinions of not only their mothers but also their sisters seriously when it comes to assessing their lady. My brother shared that he especially pays attention to how his sisters view the woman because women typically are able to detect some things in another woman that a man won’t.

While some women are blessed with having a great relationship with their man’s family, some aren’t, so here are some insights that could help a woman manage the situation.

1 A man does not like to choose between his woman and his family. –He might love you dearly but he does not want to choose between you and his family so as best as possible, be respectful to his family regardless of how they behave toward you. If you take the high ground, he will have even more reason to be proud of his choice of woman and quite possibly, one day his family will realize that you too are deserving of their respect.

2. Some men will purposefully keep his woman away from his family to avoid conflict—Sometimes a man will keep you away from his family, not because he wants to hide the relationship but because he is protecting you. Some men know their families very well and when they find a woman whom they know will not meet their approval, he might simply opt to keep you away from the firestorm. He might not readily admit it but some men are actually not proud of their family’s behaviour and he might be trying to save both of you from embarrassment by keeping you away.  Just ensure that he explains clearly why he keeps you away from his family.

3. Often it’s the females in his family who give you a hard time—Women are often very mean to each other and sometimes you do not need to do anything for the man’s mother or sisters to dislike you. You have their son’s or brother’s heart and that means you are a threat, especially if they share a very close relationship. If you’ve been on your best behaviour, have treated the man well and can’t figure out why his family dislikes you, it’s possible they have no reason. Just keep being a good woman to the man, remain respectful to his family and don’t talk bad about them, he won’t be happy about that.

4. Womens’ intuition is often correct

You could quickly dismiss what his mother or sisters think about you but he might not. Women are pretty good at summing up each other so he could very well be watching keenly to see if you will turn out to be who they might have told him you really are. Just be yourself and don’t wear a mask to impress his family for the day will come when that mask comes off.

Although a woman has to be smart about her approach to dealing with a man’s family who might be determined to make her life hell, the man also must show backbone in dealing with the situation. Don’t allow your family to continually disrespect your lady and if you know your mother is treating her unfairly, be a man and tell her so. Be as balanced as possible and protect that woman who is looking after you and your home. After all she is doing for you, some valuable things mama cannot do.

Marie Berbick aka The PR Girl, is a Communications Specialist, motivational speaker and founder of the women’s ministry Sisters United for Prayer, Healing, Empowerment & Restoration. (SUPHER). Follow her on twitter @thePR Girl. Email marieberbick@gmail.com