Battling for the Hearts and Minds of the Stepchildren

So you have found happiness again or at least you hope to, with remarriage. He or she is just wonderful and they have made you believe in love again. However, there is one  mountain, perhaps a big one, standing between you both and it can come in a small package or several packages of various ages— ranging from very young, to adult.

Many persons underestimate the significant role that stepchildren, their like or dislike of you will play in the success of your relationship or marriage. Some persons have been fortunate enough to inherit step children who have never caused serious marital problems for them, but others have not been so lucky. It might come as a surprise but Psychology Today listed step children as ‘The single greatest predictor that a marriage will fail’. Yes, it is that serious. So, what are some of the things you need to know about the   challenges that often come with dating or marrying someone who has children from a previous relationship?

1.     Don’t underestimate the power step children wield over the success of your relationship—The biggest mistake you can make is to enter a relationship with someone who has a child/children from a previous relationship, without having a plan to deal with them. Step children wield significant power in relationships. The decision to marry someone your children resent is yours but be mindful that those children will have a lot of power in determining whether your marriage succeeds.

2.     You should court stepchildren too-- Stepchildren can make or break your relationship. During the courtship, be sure to recognize that you are not just courting their mom/dad, you are also courting their children. It’s a package deal so start thinking about the importance of winning over the children too. Start thinking ‘inclusive’ when you plan certain activities, so that they do not feel left out or feel threatened that you are taking all their mother’s or father’s time. Whilst winning over the step children makes life easier, you also need to establish some attitude rules with the children that makes it clear to them that their feelings are important to you but you also expect them to be respectful of your partner and your relationship. Although you know the power they wield, never give them the impression you are intimidated or allow them to think that they have control over your relationship.

3.     Boys are super protective of their mothers—Any man who has dated a woman who has a male child from a previous relationship will probably tell his pal who is courting a woman who has boys, to get himself ready for combat. This is because boys are extremely protective of their mothers and often jealous of any man who has her attention. There are men who shared with me that they were practically forced out of a woman’s life by her boy child. A man who wants to get close to a woman who has boys should learn the psychology of getting those boys comfortable enough to trust him around their mom. Men, be mindful also that you may have to teach those boys how to be men, by how you treat their mother. They may still be jealous but they will respect you for treating her well and don’t make the mistake of abusing her as it might cost you dearly.

4.     Stepmothers are more likely to be resented than stepfathers—We hear more about the evil stepmother than we do the evil stepfather however Cinderella isn’t to be blamed for this. Studies have in fact shown that stepmothers are treated worse than stepfathers. James Bray and Mavis Hetherington who have done exhaustive studies on step parent relationships found that less than 20% of adult stepchildren liked their stepmother and it had nothing to do with them seeing her as a homewrecker. It was mainly resentment borne out of a sense of loyalty to their own mother.

5.     It’s not just the younger stepchildren that will resent you—The younger ones might throw a tantrum, malice you, refuse to take instructions from you and tell you pretty often, the words every step parent dread …’You’re not my daddy or you’re not my mommy’. However, the younger step children can sometimes be the least of your problems. When it comes to awareness of inheritance, properties and other assets, the older stepchildren are the ones with whom you are likely to have your biggest battle, worse if the wife is much younger than their father.

A relationship/marriage with stepchildren can work but it takes extra effort on the part of both partners and the children involved. Stepchildren should understand that their feelings, happiness and views matter, but they are not in control of your decisions. Love them, include them, but at the end of the day, yourself and your partner need to work as a team to protect your relationship and by extension, your new family.

Marie Berbick aka The PR Girl, is a Communications Specialist, motivational speaker and founder of the women’s ministry Sisters United for Prayer, Healing, Empowerment & Restoration. (SUPHER). Follow her on twitter @thePR Girl and on Facebook @ Marie Berbick. Email marieberbick@gmail.com