Men Size Up Their Competition Too

Despite what you may have heard, it’s not only women who when they lose out to another woman, take the time to size up their competition. Yes, a man also gets rattled when a woman chooses another man over him.

Often the jilted woman reacts more emotionally than a man in the same situation does, but just like women, men also hate being rejected. A man who either loses his woman to another man or loses out on his bid to win the affection of a woman he is seriously interested in, spends time going over in his head, possible reasons he lost. He tries to figure out several things.

 1. Money--- Having money means a lot to most men. They want to be able to impress or take care of their woman, so yes a man wonders if the object of his affection chose the other man because that man is better able to provide for her. In fact, if this is the case, that can be a huge blow to his ego. No man wants to lose a woman to another man because he is unable to adequately provide for her. One of the worse things a woman can do to a man who is doing his best to provide for her, is to tell him she can find a man who can give her more than he can. It will rattle him to his core and sometimes takes years for him to get over.

 2.   Sex-  perhaps even moreso than lack of money, no man wants to lose his woman to another man because the other man is better in bed than he is. If a woman cheats on her partner, one of the first things the man who has been cheated on does, is to go over and over in his mind, the visual image of his woman with that other man. One of the most burning questions in the man’s head is whether the other man was better than he is. Some men will muster up the courage to actually ask, even if it’s not a straight forward question, because he is very curious to know and wants to improve even if this relationship is over. Some men will never ask. Their ego will not allow them to ask such a question. He would rather torment himself with the thoughts in his head for he cannot handle the answer, if in fact his worse fears are confirmed.

 3. Looks- Although a lot of men strongly believe that once they have money, looks is secondary to most women, a man does question himself about his attractiveness when rejected. Unlike women, men are better at hiding the fact that they feel threatened by a man who is physically more attractive. However, if you get them to open up, you will be surprised how fragile a man’s ego is. So, yes, a man will size up a more attractive man whom he feels threatened by.

Having money, good looks and being a great lover are all plus factors for men but one of the biggest mistakes men make sometimes, is thinking that material things are the greatest attractions for all women. Not true. Depending on the type of woman, sometimes it's not about how much money a man has, nor the cars and houses that he owns, that will attract a certain kind of woman. It's about what makes him different from all the others…how he treats her, how much love and respect he shows her, how he values and treasures her. How much time he takes to really understand her so that he can fulfill her needs and love her right. A woman who already has material comfort will appreciate a man who comes to her with something far deeper than material things. He must speak to her soul.

Marie Berbick aka The PR Girl, is a Communications Specialist, motivational speaker and founder of the women’s ministry Sisters United for Prayer, Healing, Empowerment & Restoration. (SUPHER). Follow her on twitter @thePR Girl. Facebook https://www.facebook.com/MarieBerbick/

Email marieberbick@gmail.com

Think You’re Ready for a Relationship After a Long Break? Here are 5 things you might struggle with

 

Anything that has been parked for too long, not being used will become rusty. The same applies for persons who have not been in a relationship for an extended period. That moment when you are ready to take the plunge again, you will discover that a lot may have changed in the world of dating and that you are very much out of practice. Here are a few things that you might find yourself struggling with.

1      Taking the walls down— A lot of people who have had failed relationships build walls to protect themselves in moving forward. However, the walls you build to keep out the people you fear will hurt you, might very well prevent you from enjoying a great relationship with someone who is genuine. Walls come down with healing, trust and time so be open with this new person about your fears. Slowly take the walls down rather than allow your fears to cause you to lose a good man/woman.

2      Getting used to another person in your space---If you have not been in a relationship for several years, you might find yourself struggling to get used to another person in your space. Once you both agree that you are serious, spending time together is essential, however, it can be difficult to re-adjust to having someone else around, after you have become so used to being by yourself.  Be careful though, that you do not push that person away by being selfish with your time and refusing to allow them into your space except when YOU want to see them.

3      He/she checking on you- A good man or woman wants to know that their partner is OK when they are not around. Whether it is to inquire if you got home safely or if you have eaten. However, even these simple caring acts can appear intrusive to a person who has not been in a relationship for a long time. They can find it difficult to get used to ‘reporting’ to another person. In the same way that some people find it very hard to get used to functioning on their own again after a broken long term relationship, the person who is getting back into a relationship after a long break can find it hard to re-adjust to being accountable to someone else. If you do not live together, it is natural for your significant other to want to know you got home safely after a date, so call or text as soon as you get home.

4      Talking too much about your ex- Although it’s good to talk to each other, be careful that the dominant topic of your conversations are not about your ex and how much you despise them. A good man or woman will listen because they care about you but if too much of your time together is spent reminiscing about the past, that person will eventually get turned off. It doesn’t matter how long you have split from someone, if you spend most of your time talking about them, it means you are not ready to move forward. Ladies, don’t tell a man everything about your past either. As long as you are not endangering his life, some things he does not need to know. Talk to a therapist.

5      Being lonely but not ready for companionship—Loneliness is one of the biggest challenges for persons who have not been in a relationship for some time. Loneliness can cause them to think they are ready for a new person in their lives when they are not ready for a relationship. A relationship involves doing things together, spending quality time together, planning together and incorporating that person into your life in many ways. When you are ready for a serious relationship after a long break, you will be prepared for companionship, not just have the desire for someone else’s company when you feel lonely.

Marie Berbick aka The PR Girl, is a Communications Specialist, motivational speaker and founder of the women’s ministry Sisters United for Prayer, Healing, Empowerment & Restoration. (SUPHER). Follow her on twitter @thePR Girl. Email marieberbick@gmail.com

Six People Who Can Stop Your Relationship From Going Anywhere

Regardless of how brave  a man appears to be in going after a woman he is truly interested in, there are some specific persons in that woman’s life whom he finds intimidating because of their influence on her decisions. The same applies for women in certain situations.

For a man, the people who can make or break that relationship he seeks with a woman, include her father (for women it’s his mother), her children if she’s a mother, her best friend, her pastor and her ex.

I have said before and will repeat that men are just as emotionally fragile as women, they are just better at hiding it. This is why a lot of women have no idea how nerve wracking it can be for a man to get past the gatekeepers in her life. Here’s why these persons have such a huge impact on whether a man gets past the gate or if he does get in, whether he is able to remain.

1.     Her father: A man understands how another man thinks so a woman’s father normally has his antennas up when it comes to a man who wants to court his daughter.  This is even worse if he was a girls’ man or the wild type back in his day. A good father is normally very protective of his daughter so any man who wants to take her from him has to be thoroughly scrutinized and sometimes well investigated too. This can make a man very nervous especially if his intentions are not good or the daughter has a very close relationship with her dad. My own father could tell me within the first five minutes of meeting my date, whether he was up to any good, and he was always right.

2.     His mother: The woman who immediately hits it off with her man’s mother can count her lucky stars for she has struck gold! For a new girlfriend, a man’s mother can be the most intimidating person in his family. If God smiles on her and momma likes her, everyone else is almost irrelevant. Even throughout a marriage, a man’s mother can remain an intimidating figure for the wife. The pressure is even greater for women whose men are very close to their mothers, and whose decisions are heavily influenced by whether momma thinks it’s a good idea.

3.     Step-children- When a man gets with a woman he likes, who has children from another relationship, the experience can be comparable to walking on eggshells. It is not easy to get past that gate, if her children do not welcome him. It can therefore be very painful for a man who meets a woman he truly wants to be with, but her children are determined to make it an experience from hell. It is a very tough position to be in, when a woman likes a man that her children are opposed to, for no reason, other than that he is not their daddy.

4.     Her best friend: A woman’s best friend is a very influential person in her life, including her intimate relationships. A best friend, whether male or female can sometimes cause a man to be locked out, regardless of how hard he is knocking at the gate. Women confide a lot in their best friends and if the best friend’s advice is taken as gospel as is the case with some women, a man needs to win the best friend over if he is to get anywhere with the woman he wants. Not every woman makes a decision based on what her best friend thinks but many do and in those cases, a man can find that a woman’s best friend holds that key he so badly wants in order to get past the gate.

5.     Her Pastor: Oh yes, this is a big issue for a lot of dating or married Christian couples. Pastors can be very influential in a Christian woman’s life and if she is misguided in terms of her role as a wife, this can be quite detrimental for her marriage. Out of ignorance, a lot of Christian women are more dedicated to their Pastor and their duties at church than they are to the needs of their husbands or in sustaining a happy and healthy marriage. A man might therefore find that Pastor’s instructions overrule his in his own household and if pastor does not approve of him, he might not get through that gate or if he does, he will be in for a rough ride.

6.    Her ex: If he is the possessive, obsessive type, a woman’s ex, can be a big turn off for a man who is seeking to be with her. Not everyone has the patience to deal with the drama that comes with a woman who has an obsessive or controlling ex. She could be a very good woman who is unfortunately saddled with the burden of the ex from hell, but unless it’s a man who genuinely loves and wants her in his life, the stress of that situation could keep him at bay.

Marie Berbick aka The PR Girl, is a Communications Specialist, motivational speaker and founder of the women’s ministry Sisters United for Prayer, Healing, Empowerment & Restoration. (SUPHER). Follow her on twitter @thePR Girl. Email marieberbick@gmail.com

Six Reasons You Keep Going Back After the Relationship Ends

Breaking up is hard…very hard for most people. It is even harder for those who have been in a long

term relationship with someone who has become a fixture in their lives. When things begin to fall apart, one of the most difficult things to do is decide when it’s time to just let go, call it a day. This is because people for the most part, do not give up on their relationship that easily. They will fight to save it. Sometimes it’s worth it but at other times, they end up losing themselves in the process fighting for something that in the end will eventually crash and burn.

When one or both partners decide to walk away, sometimes they end up getting back together a few weeks, months or even years later, only for the relationship to end for good, shortly after. So why do people keep going back into relationships which supposedly have ended?

Here are six reasons to consider:

1.    They miss the companionship- If you’ve been with someone for quite some time, it is quite normal to miss their company when the relationship breaks up. Even if they were a nightmare in some ways, there would have been good times you will miss. When you’ve been with someone you wake up with each day, someone who visits with you pretty often and with whom you’ve had memorable experiences, it’s hard to just let go. Even the men who play tough like it doesn’t matter, are often lying to themselves and others…getting over someone doesn’t happen overnight. 

2.    They fear being being alone- Returning to single life can be a scary experience for someone who is coming out of a long term relationship. Depending on how long they were married to or involved with their partner, some people become very dependent on their partner. They forget how to function as an individual. It becomes tempting therefore to get back with the person you broke up with because it feels alien to go it alone.  This is why they will try to mend the relationship shortly after the breakup. However, getting back together because of the fear of being alone is one of the biggest mistakes people who were in unhealthy relationships make. It’s better to learn how to function by yourself again. Discipline yourself to start doing again on your own, the things you used to depend on your partner to do for or with you. Do not return to an unhealthy relationship because you are lonely.

3.    There is a Soul Tie—For persons who are not religious, you might not even consider this but it is very real. You can establish a soul tie with anyone you’ve slept with. Your soul becomes intertwined with another person through sex and even when you know the person isn’t good for you, you cannot seem to let go of them. Think carefully about how many times you’ve seen persons in relationships that you know and they also know isn’t good for them. They break up only to make up and break up again in an unending toxic cycle.

4.    They miss the sex—If you had a good sex life with someone, it is possible to miss that aspect of the relationship so much that you keep going back despite the weaknesses in the other areas of the relationship. This is particularly so, if you did not leave the relationship to be with someone else or if the new person you ended your relationship for, isn’t satisfying your sexual needs. Persons who are fresh from a broken relationship sometimes find someone else to satisfy their sexual needs, even as they are struggling with the emotional mess that they sometimes become. It becomes easy therefore to call up or try to get back with an ex in order to satisfy the need for sex. A man might find this easier to do than a woman because for most men, sex is a physical act that they can easily participate in without emotional attachment.

5.    They didn’t realize what they had until they lost it—Relationships require work and nurturing to sustain them. In a long term relationship, one has to continually find ways to keep things spicy and exciting. Persons can become complacent and take their partner for granted. This complacency sometimes continues until the other partner walks away. When this happens, it’s normally a moment of rude awakening for the other partner especially when they realize they are unable to find someone who brought to their lives, the value that their ex did.

6.    They need the financial assistance—Yes, a lot of persons are in relationships because of the financial security their partner provides. It is not strange therefore to miss the comfortable lifestyle and all the goodies that came from being with someone who was providing for you financially. It’s up to a man to be smart and not allow a woman who was simply using him to seduce him back into a relationship, in which he is merely there to provide financial assistance. The same goes for women who spend on men.  Be careful that you do not get sucked back into a relationship with a man who just wants your money.

It is normal to miss someone with whom you’ve ended a relationship but weigh carefully the reasons you really want this person back in your life or the reasons they want to come back into your life. If you’re feeling lonely or miss the sex, that’s not reason enough to try to mend a relationship which quite possibly might not even work out after a few more tries.

Marie Berbick is a communications specialist, motivational speaker and founder of the women’s ministry Sisters United for Prayer, Healing, Empowerment & Restoration. (SUPHER). Keep up with her on Facebook at http://facebook.com/marieberbick or follow her on  twitter @thePR Girl. Email marieberbick@gmail.com

5 Things She Doesn’t Like But Probably Won’t Tell You

Superman doesn’t exist in real life, a man can perhaps come as close as eighty percent in terms of

having the qualities that will make a woman feel she has won the jackpot but no one person will have all the qualities she’s ideally looking for. That said, a lot of men want to feel like Superman to their woman, but there are also situations where a woman might meet a man she thinks is ideal for her, only to suddenly back away from him without explaining why. Here are five reasons a woman will abruptly go from hot to cold on a man.

1.    Sexual Performance issues ---A couple is normally excited at the onset of the dating game. They want to spend as much time as possible together, getting to know each other and building towards a sexual relationship. For some men, getting the woman into bed is the ultimate aim, they can barely contain their curiousity to find out what it’s like to make love to her. Women also spend time excitedly anticipating that moment especially if she’s really into the man. The high she’s on can come crashing down however, if they finally get intimate and she discovers  that the reality of the experience is very far from what she envisioned. This can either be a matter of medically related sexual performance problems, disappointment with the size of his penis or disappointment with his skills as a lover. If you have a sexual inadequacy problem, be honest with her and tell her before you become intimate. It’s better to give her the opportunity to mentally prepare and be pleasantly surprised that you performed better than expected. If you know you have medically related performance issues, don’t exaggerate sexual skills you do not have, as this will come back to haunt you when the moment of reckoning comes and you are unable to deliver. A woman knows a man takes his ability to perform sexually very seriously, so sharing her dissatisfaction is not something a lot of women are comfortable doing. An outspoken woman might be frank with you but another woman might prefer to slowly pull away and spare you the blow of admitting that your penis size is an issue for her or she’s not happy with the way you perform.

2.    When he’s tight with money—Most women anticipate that their man will assist them financially if necessary. Don’t be fooled by the fact that she doesn’t ask you to help her. She’s probably hoping you will offer so don’t take her not asking as a sign that she’s OK with you not giving. Despite popular perception that there are too many beggy, beggy women, there are also women who are not comfortable asking a man for anything. They will accept if you offer and in some cases they expect you to offer without them having to ask. It’s better to offer your woman a gift and have her refuse it than to withhold assistance because you think she’s OK. Some men are hesitant to approach a woman they like if they are not in a financial position to date her. They probably cannot afford to take her out or buy her gifts but not every woman judges a man by his current situation. Some women observe your intentions and ambition so taking even a fruit to her each time you go to see her, shows her that you mean her well. Men, this is not about women wanting to dig out your pockets, choose wisely the woman you allow into your life and treat her well. When a man fails to take care of his lady’s needs, he leaves the door open for another man to come in and offer to do what he isn’t doing. Don’t allow your woman to be tempted because you are failing to take care of her needs. Depending on her personality, some women will be frank and tell a man that he is mean, but others will simply back away from a man once they discover that he’s not inclined to provide any financial support to her.

3.    Poor hygiene—There are men who take hygiene seriously. They like to look and feel clean. But there are others who simply do not take the time to ensure they are clean, smelling good and attractive for their women. Shaving, brushing teeth regularly, flossing and using deodorant are some of the little things that make a man a pleasure to get intimate with. A woman might like a man but does not like his hygiene practices and telling someone to step up on their hygiene is often one of the most difficult things for a person to do. If the relationship is new, it is highly unlikely that a woman will want to tell a man she isn’t happy with his hygiene. He perhaps has to look for subtle signals like her buying him deodorant, a special toothpaste,etc. But not every woman has the patience to deal with a man who does not practice good hygiene. Once she realizes he’s lacking in that department, she might slowly back away without an explanation. If you meet a woman, take note of how she carries herself, observe how she keeps her surroundings and this will give you subtle hints of how seriously she takes hygiene. You can then improve your own hygiene practices rather than wait for her to either tell you to step it up or pull a disappearing act.

4.    Cowardly behaviour- Most women want a man who makes them feel safe. They want to know he will step up and protect them as necessary and this is not just physical protection but emotionally, she wants a man who shows empathy, cares about her feelings, is mentally strong, solutions oriented and assertive. When a man displays cowardly behavior around a woman, especially one he is just getting to know, this can be a major turn off. If he takes her on a date, he should ensure she feels safe with him. If they come under any kind of attack, his first instinct should be to ensure he protects her from harm, not run away to save himself and leave her in harm’s way. For a woman, her man is her knight in shining armour, she expects him to love and protect her, and to have her best interest at heart. If a woman doesn’t feel that kind of confidence in a man who’s courting her, she might not stick around, unless her interest is dependent on what he can do for her financially.

5.    Secret Sexual orientation- Today, more men are openly gay or bisexual and there are women who knowingly marry gay and bisexual men. However, not every woman is OK with a man who is gay or bisexual. If this type of woman gets the slightest suspicion that the man she is with is secretly gay or bisexual, she might disappear without another word to him. One reason for this is the shame she feels about competing with another man for her man’s affections. It can leave her feeling very demoralized and damage her self esteem. 

Don’t Rub Butter in Puss Mouth

How many times have you heard women lament that their best friend ‘stole’ their man? A woman ending up with her best friend’s boyfriend is not strange, it happens more often than we think. I don’t believe anyone can ‘steal’ a man or woman from their partner. A person cannot be made to leave you unless they want to but sometimes a woman, without even realizing it, can create opportunities for her man to get with other women.

Good men exist but good doesn’t mean perfect and this is a lesson too many women are yet to grasp. While some men do love and respect their women very much and will not go seeking opportunities to cheat, a different scenario exists when a woman places temptation within easy reach of her man. That temptation comes in the form of other females who are close to her, including best friend/s and relatives.

Remember most men do not need to love a woman, to desire her. Although there are men who would prefer to lock themselves away to avoid the temptation of cheating with an attractive female, who is basically being handed to them on a platter, there are others who will definitely seize the opportunity. In some cases, it does not mean he always wanted to cheat on his woman but here is a situation where he didn’t even have to put any real effort into hunting.

 Here are some key things to note:

1.    Not every man has the will power to refuse an attractive woman- Men are highly visual beings. Even if a man loves you, it doesn’t mean he wont find other women attractive. If a man feels a strong sexual desire for a woman who is easily available to him, he rarely thinks about what will happen after he gets with her. The prey came right into his hands and his first instinct is normally to have the meal then deal with the repercussions afterward.  It’s the depth of love and respect he has for you, his principles, a genuine desire to not hurt you and will power that help him remain loyal.

2.     A good girlfriend is a gem to have, but a girlfriend loving you, doesn’t mean she wont be jealous of what you have- There are some loyal girlfriends who would never for a moment consider flirting with or trying to get with their friend’s boyfriend/husband. However, there are many who certainly will, if the opportunity presents itself. Ideally we would want a world where there are people who have no room for certain feelings in their heart but every human being is capable of feelings of jealousy and envy. For women, that includes being jealous of the man in your life, especially if he treats you well.

3.    Establish boundaries with females who stay over at your house—if a female friend or relative is visiting for an extended period, be sure to have a talk with them before the first night they stay over. Let them understand what you expect in terms of how they present themselves around your spouse. Nothing is wrong with telling them that revealing clothes should not be worn in the presence of your spouse. It’s your house. Anyone who visits should respect your rules.

4.    Don’t be an enabler to your own peril--- There are women who have a very trusting relationship with their female friends and feel very comfortable about them spending time alone with their spouse. Some women even ask their girlfriends to accompany their boyfriend to places, without them. Depending on the level of trust that exists between yourself and your partner and yourself and your friend, there might not be any reason to think this could backfire. But be mindful that the more time a person spends in the company of another, the greater the bond they develop, so don’t get too comfortable with this practice.

5.    You don’t need to be Matlock but you need to be wise - A man is an adult and if he values what he has with you, you shouldn’t have to go out of your way to keep him from slipping up. This is the logical view, but the truth is that we are imperfect beings seeking a perfect relationship which is just not possible so a smart woman will not set herself and her relationship up for drama. Men know how other men think and that is why most are wary of even their own friends being alone with their women. A woman should start thinking like a man when it comes to protecting what she has. Simply put, no female associate whether it is a close friend, colleague or relative, should be left alone with your man for any extended period…especially if she isn’t in a happy relationship. Don’t rub butter in puss mouth.

How to Remain Standing after a Messy Break up

Everyone will at some point experience anger at another person but the breakup of a relationship is one of the biggest tests of how well we can control negative emotions, especially feelings of anger and rejection. When people are angry, when they feel they have been wronged and are struggling with rejection, be prepared for anything.

If you’ve been through a breakup, depending on the kind of person your ex is, you may have experienced the wrath of your one time love, including attempts at character assassination. When a person has nothing good to say about their ex, question their motive. They must have seen something good in that person at some point throughout the relationship.

Whilst an angry ex can do damage to your reputation, if you remain true to yourself and do not try to match them for each low blow, you will come out standing. There are several reasons why an angry ex will launch an attack on you:

1.    They want to demonize and reduce you in the eyes of persons who thought highly of you--- Your ex is angry, feeling rejected and perhaps determined to make you a pariah. Whatever they can do to achieve that objective, they will so don’t be surprised when persons you’ve never discussed your personal affairs with, approach you with unpleasant rumours they have heard and are seeking clarification about your personal life.

2.    They want to cut off your support system—An angry ex feels wronged. They want everybody on their side so the objective is to get as many of your friends as possible to buy into the negative story and turn against you.

3.    They want to control you—although they can’t physically control you, an angry ex can still use psychology and manipulation to control your life. For instance, spreading rumours that you are a bad person can force you to begin walking on egg shells even though you know you are not that ‘bad’ person whom they seek to portray you as. By so doing, you hand over your power to them and they are able to control how you live your life.

You might want to consider the following approach to handling a messy break up:

1.    No matter what your ex says about you, don’t let him/her control your reaction. If you are a good and decent person who does not curse out people, don’t allow anyone to cause you to behave in a manner that will make you feel bad about yourself afterwards. Your ex’s objective is to draw you out. Your objective should be to maintain your standards in the face of the onslaught. Never allow someone to cause you to behave out of character.

2.    Insulting emails and texts? Have a good friend filter the emails and texts from your ex. If you are the type who is easy to get angry when people accuse you wrongfully, get a close trusted friend to filter the communication between yourself and your ex. They can read and tell you what’s worth discarding immediately versus what you need to respond to. If there is no compelling reason to read the emails or texts, such as matters to do with children you might share, do not even bother to read them. If it’s a really bad situation that is affecting your peace of mind, you might want to consider taking it a step further and blocking the person’s emails, phone calls and blocking them on social media.

3.    Change the password to all your email and social media accounts—It’s never wise to leave anything to chance when you are dealing with an angry ex and that includes access to your emails or social media accounts. Change your password and ensure you do not use any password your ex is likely to associate with you.

4.    Do not leave yourself open to mischief--- Be cautious about accepting friend requests from strange people on Facebook and other social media platforms and under no circumstances should you blindly accept invitations to date strangers or persons you communicate with only through social media.

5.    Do not send intimate photos of yourself to anyone seeking to date you. One of the biggest mistakes someone who’ve had a messy break-up could make is to send out naked photos and videos of themselves. You never know who is trying to get that kind of material to use against you and the lengths to which they will go to get their hands on it.

6.    Learn to laugh but be watchful—Laughing at someone who is trying to destroy you is one of the most effective ways of making them feel they are wasting their time. Your ex’s intention is to make your life miserable. When you laugh about their antics rather than cry it shows your strength and confuses them in the same way the devil is confused when you praise in the midst of the storm. However, be mindful that when some persons realize that their actions are not having the desired effect on you, they are likely to turn up the heat so be very watchful.

The key to remaining on your feet in the midst of attacks from a disgruntled ex is to know who you are, remain in control of your emotions and never allow another person to cause you to do or say anything that is out of character. One day, they will get tired and throw in the towel. When that happens you should be able to walk in public without feeling ashamed of your behavior throughout the storm.