3 Reasons You Keep Choosing The Wrong Men

Ask any happy couple what it took for them to get where they are in their relationship today and they will tell you about the sweat and tears that came before the smiles.  Relationships require effort that some persons are not willing to give but sadly there are also others who are putting in the work but with the wrong people. I’ve talked with countless women who are going through this kind of negative relationship pattern.

Karen is a caring, attractive woman who can hold her own financially but she is tired of the pattern of failed relationships in her life. She isn’t looking for a man to complete her (or so she thinks) but she keeps getting it wrong when it comes to the men she chooses.  Her relationship history goes something like this –--She meets a man she is totally into. He is struggling with some things in his life but in her eyes, he seems just right for her. In everybody else’s eyes he is wrong for her. She ignores the ‘haters’ and proceeds with the relationship.

Things seem to be going great for the first few months until she begins to feel overwhelmed. Something is off. Instead of feeling like a woman in the relationship, she is feeling like a fixer. There are just too many issues with the man and she is buckling under the pressure of having to hold it all together. She hangs on for a while but eventually things crumble and everybody around her says ‘I told you so’.

Sounds familiar? Karen thought others were just hating on her but there was something they saw, that she could not, because she was on the kind of emotional high that supports the popular phrase that “love is blind’.

Here are three reasons why women like Karen might be getting it wrong each time.

1.    Your Giving Nature Is Attracting Takers

Which man doesn’t want a nice, caring, generous woman? Most do. However, when you are a giver, you will attract takers. If you are a giver, you need someone who watches your back because people will take advantage of your kind nature. People will come into your life simply to take from you because you like to give. What you need to do is use wisdom even in giving of yourself. Take time to discern people and motives. Ask him deep questions to uncover the motive behind his interest in you. If you keep giving to a man who is not pouring back into you, like Karen, you will become frustrated, drained and overwhelmed. Unless you pull back, assess yourself and the kind of men you allow into your life, the cycle of takers will continue and you will not find a healthy relationship.

2.    You are Attracting Broken Men

 Men do not open up very easily but many are broken and wish they could find someone they can trust to spill their hearts to. If you are a great listener with a heart for helping people and you like to show empathy, it is easy for broken people to gravitate to you. One of the main reasons broken men gravitate toward you is that you are often times also broken, without even realizing it. Perhaps you have had a failed relationship from which you have not healed, or never had closure.  Maybe you have had an unfortunate experience that has caused you to be quite vulnerable. Broken men find it easy to talk to you because you seem to ‘understand’ them. One of the reasons for that connection is that like spirits attract. In the same way that successful people are attracted to other successful people, broken people attract broken people. Hurting people attract hurting people so something in your spirit is a pull for men who are broken. A broken man cannot give you a wholesome relationship. He is not whole, emotionally, mentally or spiritually, hence what you desire from him he is not in a position to give you. If you are not mentally strong, a broken man will break you.

3.    You Keep Looking for Projects in Your Relationships

For a relationship to be successful, both partners must be committed to problem solving, there is no smooth relationship. Unfortunately some women, particularly successful women make the mistake of continually finding men who are ‘projects. These men may require quite a bit of work before they are ready for a relationship. The consequence of that decision is that they you may  spend more time trying to fix the man than they spend enjoying the relationship.

The sad truth is that successful women are used to getting things done, they are used to winning at things. They have mapped out a strategy for their success which they have tested and proven hence they know how to get things done. When things aren’t working out as planned, they FIX it and keep fixing a problem until it’s resolved to their satisfaction. The mistake that  some of these women sometimes make though, is that many are taking a similar approach to their love lives and it doesn’t work. Here’s why.

A man is not a project you can fix.  Do not see the red flags yet still proceed with the relationship because you believe that just like a work related project, you can fix him.  The mistake you are making is that instead of finding a man who is emotionally healthy and relationship ready, you keep finding broken men, then attempting to fix them just as you would, another project. Sometimes what he needs is a therapist or a mentor depending on his problem. It is better to let a man fix himself before you get into a relationship with him. If you believe you are a fixer, step back and assess the men who are coming into your life. Begin to choose men who can assume their rightful role in your life, that is to hold you up, rather than men who are looking for a woman to hold them up. It’s time to relax and enjoy a relationship with someone who doesn’t need you to fix them.

Marie Berbick is a Communications Specialist, motivational speaker, an ordained minister  and founder of the women’s ministry Sisters United for Prayer, Healing, Empowerment & Restoration. (SUPHER). Follow her on Facebook and  Instagram at MarieBerbick. Email marieberbick@gmail.com

Battling for the Hearts and Minds of the Stepchildren

So you have found happiness again or at least you hope to, with remarriage. He or she is just wonderful and they have made you believe in love again. However, there is one  mountain, perhaps a big one, standing between you both and it can come in a small package or several packages of various ages— ranging from very young, to adult.

Many persons underestimate the significant role that stepchildren, their like or dislike of you will play in the success of your relationship or marriage. Some persons have been fortunate enough to inherit step children who have never caused serious marital problems for them, but others have not been so lucky. It might come as a surprise but Psychology Today listed step children as ‘The single greatest predictor that a marriage will fail’. Yes, it is that serious. So, what are some of the things you need to know about the   challenges that often come with dating or marrying someone who has children from a previous relationship?

1.     Don’t underestimate the power step children wield over the success of your relationship—The biggest mistake you can make is to enter a relationship with someone who has a child/children from a previous relationship, without having a plan to deal with them. Step children wield significant power in relationships. The decision to marry someone your children resent is yours but be mindful that those children will have a lot of power in determining whether your marriage succeeds.

2.     You should court stepchildren too-- Stepchildren can make or break your relationship. During the courtship, be sure to recognize that you are not just courting their mom/dad, you are also courting their children. It’s a package deal so start thinking about the importance of winning over the children too. Start thinking ‘inclusive’ when you plan certain activities, so that they do not feel left out or feel threatened that you are taking all their mother’s or father’s time. Whilst winning over the step children makes life easier, you also need to establish some attitude rules with the children that makes it clear to them that their feelings are important to you but you also expect them to be respectful of your partner and your relationship. Although you know the power they wield, never give them the impression you are intimidated or allow them to think that they have control over your relationship.

3.     Boys are super protective of their mothers—Any man who has dated a woman who has a male child from a previous relationship will probably tell his pal who is courting a woman who has boys, to get himself ready for combat. This is because boys are extremely protective of their mothers and often jealous of any man who has her attention. There are men who shared with me that they were practically forced out of a woman’s life by her boy child. A man who wants to get close to a woman who has boys should learn the psychology of getting those boys comfortable enough to trust him around their mom. Men, be mindful also that you may have to teach those boys how to be men, by how you treat their mother. They may still be jealous but they will respect you for treating her well and don’t make the mistake of abusing her as it might cost you dearly.

4.     Stepmothers are more likely to be resented than stepfathers—We hear more about the evil stepmother than we do the evil stepfather however Cinderella isn’t to be blamed for this. Studies have in fact shown that stepmothers are treated worse than stepfathers. James Bray and Mavis Hetherington who have done exhaustive studies on step parent relationships found that less than 20% of adult stepchildren liked their stepmother and it had nothing to do with them seeing her as a homewrecker. It was mainly resentment borne out of a sense of loyalty to their own mother.

5.     It’s not just the younger stepchildren that will resent you—The younger ones might throw a tantrum, malice you, refuse to take instructions from you and tell you pretty often, the words every step parent dread …’You’re not my daddy or you’re not my mommy’. However, the younger step children can sometimes be the least of your problems. When it comes to awareness of inheritance, properties and other assets, the older stepchildren are the ones with whom you are likely to have your biggest battle, worse if the wife is much younger than their father.

A relationship/marriage with stepchildren can work but it takes extra effort on the part of both partners and the children involved. Stepchildren should understand that their feelings, happiness and views matter, but they are not in control of your decisions. Love them, include them, but at the end of the day, yourself and your partner need to work as a team to protect your relationship and by extension, your new family.

Marie Berbick aka The PR Girl, is a Communications Specialist, motivational speaker and founder of the women’s ministry Sisters United for Prayer, Healing, Empowerment & Restoration. (SUPHER). Follow her on twitter @thePR Girl and on Facebook @ Marie Berbick. Email marieberbick@gmail.com

How to know when he’s not ready for a relationship with you

If you have been scratching your head trying to figure why a man you care about keeps questioning why you have chosen him, pause for a moment, let’s reason.

Sometimes a woman who has accomplished certain things in her life, and who is expected to opt for a partner of a certain status, chooses a man who isn’t anywhere close to her in terms of achievements, whether educationally, or financially. Nothing is wrong with being with a man who isn’t your educational or financial equal, as long as he treats you with love and respect and brings value to the relationship.

The real problem arises when despite everything you do to reassure him, he still questions why you chose him.  Sometimes the problem is simply this…he might be ready for a relationship but just not a relationship with you. Here are some of the signs he isn’t ready for a relationship with YOU.

1.    Nothing you do reassures him: Regardless of what you do or say to reassure him, that he is the one you want, he keeps asking why you chose him. Some persons have self-esteem issues, which are deep rooted, possibly from past hurts. If he has been rejected by someone who might have been in a similar social standing as you, he will find it difficult to believe that you do want him. Whilst he is with you, he is waiting to hear you say it’s over any minute.

2.    He wants to control your personal and professional interactions: A man who feels that he can lose you at any time to someone whom he perceives is better ‘qualified’ , is likely to try to hold on to you for dear life by being controlling. He might want to restrict your communication and dictate the time you spend with others, even professional associates.

3.    He constantly finds excuses to avoid committing: Men often retreat and do not open up when they are thinking through things. If you want him to commit and he feels he isn’t ready for a woman like you, it is unlikely he will tell you but his cues might include retreating without explanation. What he is doing is processing the situation, how to deal with it. He is  trying to figure if he should believe that you genuinely want HIM, if he should just relax and risk it, or if he should invest in getting himself up to your level so that he may feel more secure in himself.  

4.    He does not have certain things that make a man feel accomplished: When a man over a certain age, does not have some things that make him feel secure as a man, such as a good paying job, a car, a house or anything of real value that makes him feel accomplished, it can be difficult for him to maintain a relationship, worse  with a woman who already has those things. Some men will not move into a woman’s house. These are the traditional types who feel they should be providing her with a roof over her head and not the other way around. If a man is not in a position to put a roof over a woman’s head or even to take her out for a meal, it will be difficult for him to believe that an accomplished woman wants him in her life, unless it’s for a casual affair.

If you notice these things about a man that you are genuinely interested in, it does not matter how good a woman you are. You will continue to have failed relationships if you choose a man who isn't ready for you.

When a man feels that he does not deserve you, that he's not up to your standard, your relationship will be filled with insecurities and mothering moments. You trying to convince him that he is the one you want, that he's worthy of you and him trying to figure out what you see in him. All that time should be spent building your relationship, but instead you'll be stuck, justifying the relationship. The problem is in his head and YOU can't fix it, he has to fix it himself and come back when he's ready for YOU.

Marie Berbick aka The PR Girl, is a Communications Specialist, motivational speaker and founder of the women’s ministry Sisters United for Prayer, Healing, Empowerment & Restoration. (SUPHER). Follow her on Facebook,  Instagram at MarieBerbick and twitter @thePR Girl. Email marieberbick@gmail.com

Men Size Up Their Competition Too

Despite what you may have heard, it’s not only women who when they lose out to another woman, take the time to size up their competition. Yes, a man also gets rattled when a woman chooses another man over him.

Often the jilted woman reacts more emotionally than a man in the same situation does, but just like women, men also hate being rejected. A man who either loses his woman to another man or loses out on his bid to win the affection of a woman he is seriously interested in, spends time going over in his head, possible reasons he lost. He tries to figure out several things.

 1. Money--- Having money means a lot to most men. They want to be able to impress or take care of their woman, so yes a man wonders if the object of his affection chose the other man because that man is better able to provide for her. In fact, if this is the case, that can be a huge blow to his ego. No man wants to lose a woman to another man because he is unable to adequately provide for her. One of the worse things a woman can do to a man who is doing his best to provide for her, is to tell him she can find a man who can give her more than he can. It will rattle him to his core and sometimes takes years for him to get over.

 2.   Sex-  perhaps even moreso than lack of money, no man wants to lose his woman to another man because the other man is better in bed than he is. If a woman cheats on her partner, one of the first things the man who has been cheated on does, is to go over and over in his mind, the visual image of his woman with that other man. One of the most burning questions in the man’s head is whether the other man was better than he is. Some men will muster up the courage to actually ask, even if it’s not a straight forward question, because he is very curious to know and wants to improve even if this relationship is over. Some men will never ask. Their ego will not allow them to ask such a question. He would rather torment himself with the thoughts in his head for he cannot handle the answer, if in fact his worse fears are confirmed.

 3. Looks- Although a lot of men strongly believe that once they have money, looks is secondary to most women, a man does question himself about his attractiveness when rejected. Unlike women, men are better at hiding the fact that they feel threatened by a man who is physically more attractive. However, if you get them to open up, you will be surprised how fragile a man’s ego is. So, yes, a man will size up a more attractive man whom he feels threatened by.

Having money, good looks and being a great lover are all plus factors for men but one of the biggest mistakes men make sometimes, is thinking that material things are the greatest attractions for all women. Not true. Depending on the type of woman, sometimes it's not about how much money a man has, nor the cars and houses that he owns, that will attract a certain kind of woman. It's about what makes him different from all the others…how he treats her, how much love and respect he shows her, how he values and treasures her. How much time he takes to really understand her so that he can fulfill her needs and love her right. A woman who already has material comfort will appreciate a man who comes to her with something far deeper than material things. He must speak to her soul.

Marie Berbick aka The PR Girl, is a Communications Specialist, motivational speaker and founder of the women’s ministry Sisters United for Prayer, Healing, Empowerment & Restoration. (SUPHER). Follow her on twitter @thePR Girl. Facebook https://www.facebook.com/MarieBerbick/

Email marieberbick@gmail.com

Think You’re Ready for a Relationship After a Long Break? Here are 5 things you might struggle with

 

Anything that has been parked for too long, not being used will become rusty. The same applies for persons who have not been in a relationship for an extended period. That moment when you are ready to take the plunge again, you will discover that a lot may have changed in the world of dating and that you are very much out of practice. Here are a few things that you might find yourself struggling with.

1      Taking the walls down— A lot of people who have had failed relationships build walls to protect themselves in moving forward. However, the walls you build to keep out the people you fear will hurt you, might very well prevent you from enjoying a great relationship with someone who is genuine. Walls come down with healing, trust and time so be open with this new person about your fears. Slowly take the walls down rather than allow your fears to cause you to lose a good man/woman.

2      Getting used to another person in your space---If you have not been in a relationship for several years, you might find yourself struggling to get used to another person in your space. Once you both agree that you are serious, spending time together is essential, however, it can be difficult to re-adjust to having someone else around, after you have become so used to being by yourself.  Be careful though, that you do not push that person away by being selfish with your time and refusing to allow them into your space except when YOU want to see them.

3      He/she checking on you- A good man or woman wants to know that their partner is OK when they are not around. Whether it is to inquire if you got home safely or if you have eaten. However, even these simple caring acts can appear intrusive to a person who has not been in a relationship for a long time. They can find it difficult to get used to ‘reporting’ to another person. In the same way that some people find it very hard to get used to functioning on their own again after a broken long term relationship, the person who is getting back into a relationship after a long break can find it hard to re-adjust to being accountable to someone else. If you do not live together, it is natural for your significant other to want to know you got home safely after a date, so call or text as soon as you get home.

4      Talking too much about your ex- Although it’s good to talk to each other, be careful that the dominant topic of your conversations are not about your ex and how much you despise them. A good man or woman will listen because they care about you but if too much of your time together is spent reminiscing about the past, that person will eventually get turned off. It doesn’t matter how long you have split from someone, if you spend most of your time talking about them, it means you are not ready to move forward. Ladies, don’t tell a man everything about your past either. As long as you are not endangering his life, some things he does not need to know. Talk to a therapist.

5      Being lonely but not ready for companionship—Loneliness is one of the biggest challenges for persons who have not been in a relationship for some time. Loneliness can cause them to think they are ready for a new person in their lives when they are not ready for a relationship. A relationship involves doing things together, spending quality time together, planning together and incorporating that person into your life in many ways. When you are ready for a serious relationship after a long break, you will be prepared for companionship, not just have the desire for someone else’s company when you feel lonely.

Marie Berbick aka The PR Girl, is a Communications Specialist, motivational speaker and founder of the women’s ministry Sisters United for Prayer, Healing, Empowerment & Restoration. (SUPHER). Follow her on twitter @thePR Girl. Email marieberbick@gmail.com

Six People Who Can Stop Your Relationship From Going Anywhere

Regardless of how brave  a man appears to be in going after a woman he is truly interested in, there are some specific persons in that woman’s life whom he finds intimidating because of their influence on her decisions. The same applies for women in certain situations.

For a man, the people who can make or break that relationship he seeks with a woman, include her father (for women it’s his mother), her children if she’s a mother, her best friend, her pastor and her ex.

I have said before and will repeat that men are just as emotionally fragile as women, they are just better at hiding it. This is why a lot of women have no idea how nerve wracking it can be for a man to get past the gatekeepers in her life. Here’s why these persons have such a huge impact on whether a man gets past the gate or if he does get in, whether he is able to remain.

1.     Her father: A man understands how another man thinks so a woman’s father normally has his antennas up when it comes to a man who wants to court his daughter.  This is even worse if he was a girls’ man or the wild type back in his day. A good father is normally very protective of his daughter so any man who wants to take her from him has to be thoroughly scrutinized and sometimes well investigated too. This can make a man very nervous especially if his intentions are not good or the daughter has a very close relationship with her dad. My own father could tell me within the first five minutes of meeting my date, whether he was up to any good, and he was always right.

2.     His mother: The woman who immediately hits it off with her man’s mother can count her lucky stars for she has struck gold! For a new girlfriend, a man’s mother can be the most intimidating person in his family. If God smiles on her and momma likes her, everyone else is almost irrelevant. Even throughout a marriage, a man’s mother can remain an intimidating figure for the wife. The pressure is even greater for women whose men are very close to their mothers, and whose decisions are heavily influenced by whether momma thinks it’s a good idea.

3.     Step-children- When a man gets with a woman he likes, who has children from another relationship, the experience can be comparable to walking on eggshells. It is not easy to get past that gate, if her children do not welcome him. It can therefore be very painful for a man who meets a woman he truly wants to be with, but her children are determined to make it an experience from hell. It is a very tough position to be in, when a woman likes a man that her children are opposed to, for no reason, other than that he is not their daddy.

4.     Her best friend: A woman’s best friend is a very influential person in her life, including her intimate relationships. A best friend, whether male or female can sometimes cause a man to be locked out, regardless of how hard he is knocking at the gate. Women confide a lot in their best friends and if the best friend’s advice is taken as gospel as is the case with some women, a man needs to win the best friend over if he is to get anywhere with the woman he wants. Not every woman makes a decision based on what her best friend thinks but many do and in those cases, a man can find that a woman’s best friend holds that key he so badly wants in order to get past the gate.

5.     Her Pastor: Oh yes, this is a big issue for a lot of dating or married Christian couples. Pastors can be very influential in a Christian woman’s life and if she is misguided in terms of her role as a wife, this can be quite detrimental for her marriage. Out of ignorance, a lot of Christian women are more dedicated to their Pastor and their duties at church than they are to the needs of their husbands or in sustaining a happy and healthy marriage. A man might therefore find that Pastor’s instructions overrule his in his own household and if pastor does not approve of him, he might not get through that gate or if he does, he will be in for a rough ride.

6.    Her ex: If he is the possessive, obsessive type, a woman’s ex, can be a big turn off for a man who is seeking to be with her. Not everyone has the patience to deal with the drama that comes with a woman who has an obsessive or controlling ex. She could be a very good woman who is unfortunately saddled with the burden of the ex from hell, but unless it’s a man who genuinely loves and wants her in his life, the stress of that situation could keep him at bay.

Marie Berbick aka The PR Girl, is a Communications Specialist, motivational speaker and founder of the women’s ministry Sisters United for Prayer, Healing, Empowerment & Restoration. (SUPHER). Follow her on twitter @thePR Girl. Email marieberbick@gmail.com

Six Reasons You Keep Going Back After the Relationship Ends

Breaking up is hard…very hard for most people. It is even harder for those who have been in a long

term relationship with someone who has become a fixture in their lives. When things begin to fall apart, one of the most difficult things to do is decide when it’s time to just let go, call it a day. This is because people for the most part, do not give up on their relationship that easily. They will fight to save it. Sometimes it’s worth it but at other times, they end up losing themselves in the process fighting for something that in the end will eventually crash and burn.

When one or both partners decide to walk away, sometimes they end up getting back together a few weeks, months or even years later, only for the relationship to end for good, shortly after. So why do people keep going back into relationships which supposedly have ended?

Here are six reasons to consider:

1.    They miss the companionship- If you’ve been with someone for quite some time, it is quite normal to miss their company when the relationship breaks up. Even if they were a nightmare in some ways, there would have been good times you will miss. When you’ve been with someone you wake up with each day, someone who visits with you pretty often and with whom you’ve had memorable experiences, it’s hard to just let go. Even the men who play tough like it doesn’t matter, are often lying to themselves and others…getting over someone doesn’t happen overnight. 

2.    They fear being being alone- Returning to single life can be a scary experience for someone who is coming out of a long term relationship. Depending on how long they were married to or involved with their partner, some people become very dependent on their partner. They forget how to function as an individual. It becomes tempting therefore to get back with the person you broke up with because it feels alien to go it alone.  This is why they will try to mend the relationship shortly after the breakup. However, getting back together because of the fear of being alone is one of the biggest mistakes people who were in unhealthy relationships make. It’s better to learn how to function by yourself again. Discipline yourself to start doing again on your own, the things you used to depend on your partner to do for or with you. Do not return to an unhealthy relationship because you are lonely.

3.    There is a Soul Tie—For persons who are not religious, you might not even consider this but it is very real. You can establish a soul tie with anyone you’ve slept with. Your soul becomes intertwined with another person through sex and even when you know the person isn’t good for you, you cannot seem to let go of them. Think carefully about how many times you’ve seen persons in relationships that you know and they also know isn’t good for them. They break up only to make up and break up again in an unending toxic cycle.

4.    They miss the sex—If you had a good sex life with someone, it is possible to miss that aspect of the relationship so much that you keep going back despite the weaknesses in the other areas of the relationship. This is particularly so, if you did not leave the relationship to be with someone else or if the new person you ended your relationship for, isn’t satisfying your sexual needs. Persons who are fresh from a broken relationship sometimes find someone else to satisfy their sexual needs, even as they are struggling with the emotional mess that they sometimes become. It becomes easy therefore to call up or try to get back with an ex in order to satisfy the need for sex. A man might find this easier to do than a woman because for most men, sex is a physical act that they can easily participate in without emotional attachment.

5.    They didn’t realize what they had until they lost it—Relationships require work and nurturing to sustain them. In a long term relationship, one has to continually find ways to keep things spicy and exciting. Persons can become complacent and take their partner for granted. This complacency sometimes continues until the other partner walks away. When this happens, it’s normally a moment of rude awakening for the other partner especially when they realize they are unable to find someone who brought to their lives, the value that their ex did.

6.    They need the financial assistance—Yes, a lot of persons are in relationships because of the financial security their partner provides. It is not strange therefore to miss the comfortable lifestyle and all the goodies that came from being with someone who was providing for you financially. It’s up to a man to be smart and not allow a woman who was simply using him to seduce him back into a relationship, in which he is merely there to provide financial assistance. The same goes for women who spend on men.  Be careful that you do not get sucked back into a relationship with a man who just wants your money.

It is normal to miss someone with whom you’ve ended a relationship but weigh carefully the reasons you really want this person back in your life or the reasons they want to come back into your life. If you’re feeling lonely or miss the sex, that’s not reason enough to try to mend a relationship which quite possibly might not even work out after a few more tries.

Marie Berbick is a communications specialist, motivational speaker and founder of the women’s ministry Sisters United for Prayer, Healing, Empowerment & Restoration. (SUPHER). Keep up with her on Facebook at http://facebook.com/marieberbick or follow her on  twitter @thePR Girl. Email marieberbick@gmail.com