Plan Your Way Out of an Abusive Relationship

There are so many women in abusive relationships that are suffering in silence. Many seem to want to get out but are fearful. I noted in a recent article, three of the reasons women are fearful of leaving abusive partners.

These were, a genuine fear of their partners, financial constraints and children. There are other reasons too including women not wanting to give up assets and lifestyle. However, do not fool yourself, stress kills!  The material possessions you refuse to leave might outlive you! Your happiness and peace of mind are more important. One day you might very well wake up and your once healthy body just ‘pop dung’ without explanation, or you have aged significantly overnight.

A woman who truly wants out of an abusive relationship can break free if she wants it bad enough. She just needs to identify the solution to whatever is keeping her from leaving, and plan her way out.Children should not be the reason she remains in an abusive relationship. A child who grows up in abusive environment will quite likely replicate that behaviour with their partner in adulthood.  Here are some things to consider and possible strategies that can help you get out of an abusive relationship.

1.     Face your fears and deal with them—A woman who is constantly being beaten down physically or emotionally will eventually experience low self-esteem and battered woman’s syndrome. She will also become fearful of her abuser. To break free from that abusive environment, she has to face these fears head on and decide to tackle them. Start thinking solutions. This is my current situation, how do I get out? Start exploring the hows of your situation.

2. Reach out to someone—Some women are too ashamed of their situation to talk to anyone about it but there are many more women like yourself out there. The moment you decide to tell someone, you will realize just how many others are in a similar situation but are too afraid or ashamed to speak about it. It is imperative that a woman who is seeking to break free from an abusive relationship, gets support. If you don’t have a close friend or relative to confide in, find a support group or a women’s ministry at a church. You better believe that there are women in the church who are, or were in abusive relationships and can provide well needed advice and support. 

3. Start documenting the incidents of abuse—whether it is by taking pictures of your injuries, telling someone, reporting the abuse to a women’s crisis centre or the police, you need to start documenting the abuse. This is important because it will help you to get a protection (restraining) order when you finally decide to get out the relationship. 

4. Make no sudden moves, plan your way out-- Just like your grandmother would say, if your hand in a lion's mouth, tek time draw it out. In situations where economic constraints prevent you from leaving someone who abuses you, you have to be smart in pulling out. Make no sudden moves.  The strategy is for you to  plan and save your way out of the relationship. Let’s say you are working with a six month plan. You want out in six months but you need to be able to take care of yourself financially. Sum up your situation carefully. Do a tally of your monthly expenses. Ask yourself the following questions and then decide how to approach it. How much money do I need to earn monthly to comfortably support myself and, where children are involved, account for their expense too. 

5. Improve your skills to earn more -- The idea is to eliminate  the financial dependence that is preventing you from leaving the relationship. It is imperative that you recognize what skills you have that you can utilize to earn extra income. Can you earn the kind of money that you need to take care of yourself, using the skills you currently have? If you can't earn it with your current skills, what other  skills can you learn in a short time, that can earn you extra money? How much will these personal improvements cost you and how long will it take to complete the training? Remember you are working with short term now. Find a short course you can do that will help you make extra money. It could be makeup and skin care, nails, wig making, weaving, floral design, something you can do in 6 to 8 weeks and get a certificate. You could also type and format documents for companies and professionals if you have those skills or buy and sell items to start turning over some money.

6. Learn to defend yourself—a woman who wants out of an abusive relationship must learn to defend herself and this is not karate. Self-defense helps her to take care of herself with simple but effective techniques that can ward off an attacker and save her life. A woman in an abusive relationship should consider acquiring those simple skills that can be pretty useful in such situations. You wont use this new found skill to become the aggressor but can you imagine the surprise on that man’s face when next he attacks you and ends up with a powerful uppercut that knocks the breath out of him? Self defense instructor Jerome Morgan is one of the best instructors out there who works with women and has a special programme for women who are or have been in abusive relationships. Contact him at archangel9mm@gmail.com or look him up on Facebook at Arch Angel.

7. Identify your new home---If you plan to move, start asking around for somewhere to live at least two months before your six month plan expires. And don’t go moving into a house down the road from your abusive partner. Go as far away as you can.  Ask friends and colleagues to help you locate somewhere to live and be smart about where you choose to live. If you can get into a gated community, do so. If not, get to know your new neighbours even before you move in. They can help watch your back. Finally, you don’t need to move in one go. Take your time and move small items even over a week or two and preferably, get the rest of your things out when he’s not around.

Marie Berbick is a motivational speaker and founder of the women’s ministry Sisters United for Prayer, Healing, Empowerment & Restoration. (SUPHER). Keep up with her on http://marieberbick.blogspot.com/ or follow her on  twitter @thePR Girl. Email marieberbick@gmail.com