7 Things a Woman Really Needs In a Man

As women, we sometimes believe we have it well thought through in terms of what we want in

a man, but we often overlook something very important—the things we really need in a man. Whilst a woman might not want anyone to tell her what kind of man she should be with, certain toxic patterns call for self-reflection. For instance, you tell yourself that you want a certain kind of man, yet despite being constantly lucky in finding that kind of man, the relationships simply do not work.

If you constantly go for the handsome, career guy who is financially secure, yet you have to compete relentlessly with other women for his attention, and he has little time to spend with you, you might want to look at needs versus wants.  Perhaps you want these types of men but they are not meeting your needs and you really need a guy who is less focused on climbing the corporate ladder, one is able to invest more time into building the relationship.

Your man doesn’t need to be handsome for your relationship to work, hence good looks isn’t a need. Needs are required for your overall well-being, they are like the oxygen in your relationship, wants aren’t necessarily so. However, we tend to become more caught up with what we want, rather than what we need. Wants tend to be superficial, while needs are more substance.  In relationships, misunderstanding your needs can make a significant difference between happiness and a life of misery. 

Here are seven things a woman really needs in a man.

1     A man who makes time for her---  A woman wants attention and quality time with her man. A man who does not spend time with his woman ignores her to his own peril. Regardless of how well he provides for her, if he does not take care of her emotional needs, the relationship is at risk. A man who makes time to do things with his woman is a keeper.  What she will never forget is if you cancel something else just to spend time with her.

2     A man who will talk and listen --- Men in general do not like to sit and talk or listen to their women for too long but guess what? She needs you to talk and listen so make the time. Women like to express themselves verbally. When a man sits and listens to what she has to say, it means a lot to her and don’t be trying to watch your favourite game at the same time she is speaking with you.

3     A man who respects and appreciates her--- A woman’s work is never done. Whether it is being a fulltime stay at home mom, or trying to juggle her career and taking care of the kids while ensuring her man’s needs are taken care of, it’s a lot of work.  Women need to feel respected and appreciated. A man doesn’t have to tell his woman ‘I love you’ every day but ensure she knows by your actions, that you respect and appreciate her.

4     A man who understands the importance of financial security---he doesn’t have to be rich but a woman needs a man who takes seriously his role as a provider. Whether or not his woman is earning her own money, a woman needs a man who values taking care of his household.

5     A man who never stops romancing her--- Long after the courtship is over, a woman still wants to be romanced by her man. Send her little love notes, romantic text messages in the middle of the work day, or just a simple ‘how’s your day going?’ to show her you are thinking about her.  Whatsapp her a song that sums up how you feel about her, have flowers delivered to her at work, these are all little romantic gestures that women need from a man.

6     A man who isn’t afraid to show emotions—There are some men who will never tell his woman I love you. He might do the things to make her comfortable but stays away from doing the things that he thinks makes him appear ‘soft’. The simple fact is some men are not comfortable expressing love sometimes because of how they were brought up. However women need to feel loved. Show her you love her and do not be afraid to tell her too.

7     A man who will protect her—Women like to have a sense of being secure so they like  to know that their men can and will protect them. A woman wants to know that if a situation arises, her man will not run away and leave her to fend for herself. A woman needs a man in whom she can have that kind of confidence.

Marie Berbick aka The PR Girl, is a Motivational Speaker, Communications Specialist, award-winning journalist and founder of the women’s ministry Sisters United for Prayer, Healing, Empowerment & Restoration. (SUPHER). Follow her on twitter @thePR Girl. Email marieberbick@gmail.com

Should You Tell Your Partner Everything About Your Past?

Openness and honesty are essential ingredients for a great relationship but being in love, or thinking that we are in love can cause us to do some unwise things, including spilling every detail about our lives to that person we think we are in love with.

Many people make mistakes especially in their young giddy headed days but some things should be left where they are, not carried over to stir up unnecessary problems in your current relationship. Whilst keeping secrets is not to be encouraged in any relationship, there are some things about your PAST that you do not NEED to tell your partner, here’s why.

1.    If it’s not necessary, you don’t need to share it—If the information has no bearing on your current relationship and is likely to stir up unnecessary jealousy and insecurity on the part of your partner, keep your mouth closed. In some instances, certain information is necessary for you to share. For example, if you have a criminal past, or you’ve had a medical procedure done in the past, which is affecting your ability to have children with your current partner, this is not information you should keep from your partner. If you are about to introduce your partner to a previous lover for business or other purposes, tell him/her you were once involved with this person or your secret could come back to haunt you. These are things you should not keep your partner in the dark about.
     However, if you cheated in a previous relationship, you have never cheated on your current partner and have a great relationship going with no interest in cheating, what’s the purpose of telling your partner you cheated in a previous relationship? Not every man can handle certain information, even if it’s from your past. Your unnecessary confession could do more harm than good to your current relationship.

2.    Raging hormones can cause you to not think rationally—When we feel like we are in love, we are likely to make decisions with our heart and not our head. One of the biggest mistakes particularly women make is to let loose after a good sex session.  When oxytocin is released during lovemaking, that feeling of attachment is very high. Unfortunately, that is when a lot of women throw caution to the wind and begin to talk like parrots about their past. Sex can be just a physical act, with no emotional attachment, especially for men, so think before you speak. 

3.    People get into relationships for various reasons: Not everybody is with their partner because they love and want to share the rest of their lives with them. People get into relationships for all kinds of selfish reasons so don't be too quick to share too much, too soon. Not all relationships end well and sometimes a jilted lover can become your worse nightmare if they decide to use what you’ve told them against you. 

4.    If the relationship is still young, share only what he/she NEEDs to know---Everyone deserves to know who they are getting involved with but you can date someone for months and still not KNOW that person. You can also be open and honest without being naïve. If you have not spent enough time together for you to determine that you can trust the person, be careful how much you share. People can be vindictive when things don’t work out.

Love is a wonderful thing and the high that comes from being in love is an incredible feeling but keep your head firmly screwed onto your body. Be wise when it comes to information about your past. Think before you spill.

Marie Berbick is a communications specialist, motivational speaker and founder of the women’s ministry Sisters United for Prayer, Healing, Empowerment & Restoration. (SUPHER). Keep up with her on http://marieberbick.blogspot.com/ or follow her on  twitter @thePR Girl. Email marieberbick@gmail.com

6 Things to Note if You're Considering Divorce or Ending a Long Term Relationship

So you’re now officially over…the relationship or marriage many people including yourself thought was made in Heaven wasn’t really so after all and now you are dealing with the estranged  spouse from hell who is determined to make you feel the heat. It is often said that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned but truthfully, it goes both ways! Unless your partner is a reasonable person, separation or divorce can expose you to some deeply unpleasant moments. It is perhaps very true that if you really want to know the person you marry, try divorcing them!

Here are some life lessons that you can apply in dealing with divorce or separation.

1.       1. Don’t move out your matrimonial home— ladies, don’t move out of your matrimonial home, especially if you have children. Unless your life is being threatened and you feel unsafe, stay in your home. If your spouse is abusive, get a protection and an occupation order and stay in your home with your children. If you are the type who sweeps incidences of physical abuse under the carpet because you are ashamed, and do not want your friends and family to know—stop it. Report those incidents of abuse to the police and ensure you receive a receipt at the police station. If you have had to seek medical attention, request a report from the doctor and also keep your medical expense receipts. These receipts will assist you in applying for a protection order if necessary as they will demonstrate to the court, your partner’s history of abusive behaviour.

2.    2. Research well before choosing a lawyer—a good lawyer can make a difference in how long your divorce or custody matters are before the court. It is imperative that you choose a lawyer who is experienced in family matters and is interested in bringing closure to your matters as quickly as possible. Whilst it is good to have a lawyer who will put up a good fight in your interest, especially if your divorce is contentious, it is also very important that the lawyer is interested in getting closure as soon as possible, especially if children are involved.  Failing that, you will likely find yourself before the court for a long time, in a drawn out and expensive divorce battle. The money you end up spending could have comfortably helped you to start over. Last year I met a man who is now broken in many ways— after more than 80 court appearances in a bitter 10 year divorce and custody battle.

3.    3. Do not use your children as pawns—Divorce or separation can be very difficult for the adults involved so think for a moment what it does to the children who are caught in the middle. Bitter spouses often use the children to get back at each other. Either the mother seeks to deprive the father of time with the children or it’s the other way around. One of the most irresponsible acts that couples in bitter divorces are sometimes guilty of is manipulation of the children where either the mother sets up the children against the father or the father sets the children up against the mother. What’s even worse is when one party falsely accuses the other of child abuse in an effort to gain custody. This can be a most demoralizing experience for the party who is falsely accused and if you are not strong you might even consider throwing up your hands, packing your bags and getting on the plane! If you do have a legitimate case of child abuse against your spouse, that is different but falsely accusing one’s spouse of child abuse during a custody battle is far more popular than we think according to the Office of the Children’s Registry. I can attest that without a good support system, you can crumble from the shame and stress.  A professional colleague in a prominent position who was falsely accused of child abuse by her estranged husband, described her experience as “some of the lowest moments of my life” after social workers showed up at her home and her children’s school numerous times and her estranged husband showed up at her office to berate her, claiming credit for her success. She had to get a protection order against him. If there is a genuine need for you to act to protect your children, do so, but if you are guilty of using your children as pawns in your divorce mess, you are doing serious damage to them.  Think about your pain, multiply it by double digits and that’s the pain your children are experiencing. Stop it.

4.    4.Try mediation before you decide to fight in court—as long as your partner is amiable to mediation, go for it. Mediation is far less expensive than a long, bitter court battle over things you could easily sit at a table and discuss with a mediator and agree on. Mind you, there are bitter spouses who are so determined to get at the other party that they refuse to consider mediation. However, always recommend to your spouse, the mediation route and if they insist on going to court, at least you did try so pray, put on your spiritual armour and feel confident that favour is with you as you are not personally fighting that battle.

5.    5. Keep all matters in one court—Your divorce is filed in the Supreme Court. As best as possible try to have all matters (maintenance and custody if applicable) heard in the same court. Having custody and maintenance heard separately in the Family Court can delay your divorce especially if these matters are contentious. If your spouse is the spiteful type they can also purposefully use a battle for custody of the children to delay the divorce. Remember, if the Supreme Court is not satisfied regarding the custody and welfare of your children, your divorce will not be granted. One of the challenges with the Family Court is that your matters can come before  different judges each time you appear and this can delay a resolution in those matters as a judge who is new in the matter, needs to ensure that due diligence is done. Consequently you can find your matter going around in circles for quite sometime. I personally almost lost count of the judges who heard my matters in the Family Court.

6.    6. Be fair and don’t be blinded by vindictiveness— As much as you might feel that you despise your estranged husband, don’t allow your anger to blind you. When we are angry, we cannot think rationally and many people go through their divorce with so much anger and bitterness that winning is all that matters and that means taking everything and leaving the other person with nothing. Wrong approach. Ask for what you are entitled to, but don’t try to prevent the other person from getting what they too are entitled to. People spend years acquiring assets and depending what age you are at when you separate or divorce, it could take many more years to rebuild. Your spouse deserves to have something too. Men, your ex-wife might not be your favourite person but she is still the mother of your children. Do not try to force her out in the street with your children.  Familiarize yourself with the pieces of legislation that are relevant in divorce cases, including the Property (Rights of Spouses) Act 2004. Knowledge of these laws and their interpretations will help you to make realistic decisions about whether you really want to go through a long bitter divorce battle rather than sit at a table like mature adults, work out differences, split assetts and peacefully go your separate ways.

Marie Berbick aka The PR Girl, is a Communications Specialist, motivational speaker and founder of the women’s ministry Sisters United for Prayer, Healing, Empowerment & Restoration. (SUPHER).