Battling for the Hearts and Minds of the Stepchildren

So you have found happiness again or at least you hope to, with remarriage. He or she is just wonderful and they have made you believe in love again. However, there is one  mountain, perhaps a big one, standing between you both and it can come in a small package or several packages of various ages— ranging from very young, to adult.

Many persons underestimate the significant role that stepchildren, their like or dislike of you will play in the success of your relationship or marriage. Some persons have been fortunate enough to inherit step children who have never caused serious marital problems for them, but others have not been so lucky. It might come as a surprise but Psychology Today listed step children as ‘The single greatest predictor that a marriage will fail’. Yes, it is that serious. So, what are some of the things you need to know about the   challenges that often come with dating or marrying someone who has children from a previous relationship?

1.     Don’t underestimate the power step children wield over the success of your relationship—The biggest mistake you can make is to enter a relationship with someone who has a child/children from a previous relationship, without having a plan to deal with them. Step children wield significant power in relationships. The decision to marry someone your children resent is yours but be mindful that those children will have a lot of power in determining whether your marriage succeeds.

2.     You should court stepchildren too-- Stepchildren can make or break your relationship. During the courtship, be sure to recognize that you are not just courting their mom/dad, you are also courting their children. It’s a package deal so start thinking about the importance of winning over the children too. Start thinking ‘inclusive’ when you plan certain activities, so that they do not feel left out or feel threatened that you are taking all their mother’s or father’s time. Whilst winning over the step children makes life easier, you also need to establish some attitude rules with the children that makes it clear to them that their feelings are important to you but you also expect them to be respectful of your partner and your relationship. Although you know the power they wield, never give them the impression you are intimidated or allow them to think that they have control over your relationship.

3.     Boys are super protective of their mothers—Any man who has dated a woman who has a male child from a previous relationship will probably tell his pal who is courting a woman who has boys, to get himself ready for combat. This is because boys are extremely protective of their mothers and often jealous of any man who has her attention. There are men who shared with me that they were practically forced out of a woman’s life by her boy child. A man who wants to get close to a woman who has boys should learn the psychology of getting those boys comfortable enough to trust him around their mom. Men, be mindful also that you may have to teach those boys how to be men, by how you treat their mother. They may still be jealous but they will respect you for treating her well and don’t make the mistake of abusing her as it might cost you dearly.

4.     Stepmothers are more likely to be resented than stepfathers—We hear more about the evil stepmother than we do the evil stepfather however Cinderella isn’t to be blamed for this. Studies have in fact shown that stepmothers are treated worse than stepfathers. James Bray and Mavis Hetherington who have done exhaustive studies on step parent relationships found that less than 20% of adult stepchildren liked their stepmother and it had nothing to do with them seeing her as a homewrecker. It was mainly resentment borne out of a sense of loyalty to their own mother.

5.     It’s not just the younger stepchildren that will resent you—The younger ones might throw a tantrum, malice you, refuse to take instructions from you and tell you pretty often, the words every step parent dread …’You’re not my daddy or you’re not my mommy’. However, the younger step children can sometimes be the least of your problems. When it comes to awareness of inheritance, properties and other assets, the older stepchildren are the ones with whom you are likely to have your biggest battle, worse if the wife is much younger than their father.

A relationship/marriage with stepchildren can work but it takes extra effort on the part of both partners and the children involved. Stepchildren should understand that their feelings, happiness and views matter, but they are not in control of your decisions. Love them, include them, but at the end of the day, yourself and your partner need to work as a team to protect your relationship and by extension, your new family.

Marie Berbick aka The PR Girl, is a Communications Specialist, motivational speaker and founder of the women’s ministry Sisters United for Prayer, Healing, Empowerment & Restoration. (SUPHER). Follow her on twitter @thePR Girl and on Facebook @ Marie Berbick. Email marieberbick@gmail.com

How to know when he’s not ready for a relationship with you

If you have been scratching your head trying to figure why a man you care about keeps questioning why you have chosen him, pause for a moment, let’s reason.

Sometimes a woman who has accomplished certain things in her life, and who is expected to opt for a partner of a certain status, chooses a man who isn’t anywhere close to her in terms of achievements, whether educationally, or financially. Nothing is wrong with being with a man who isn’t your educational or financial equal, as long as he treats you with love and respect and brings value to the relationship.

The real problem arises when despite everything you do to reassure him, he still questions why you chose him.  Sometimes the problem is simply this…he might be ready for a relationship but just not a relationship with you. Here are some of the signs he isn’t ready for a relationship with YOU.

1.    Nothing you do reassures him: Regardless of what you do or say to reassure him, that he is the one you want, he keeps asking why you chose him. Some persons have self-esteem issues, which are deep rooted, possibly from past hurts. If he has been rejected by someone who might have been in a similar social standing as you, he will find it difficult to believe that you do want him. Whilst he is with you, he is waiting to hear you say it’s over any minute.

2.    He wants to control your personal and professional interactions: A man who feels that he can lose you at any time to someone whom he perceives is better ‘qualified’ , is likely to try to hold on to you for dear life by being controlling. He might want to restrict your communication and dictate the time you spend with others, even professional associates.

3.    He constantly finds excuses to avoid committing: Men often retreat and do not open up when they are thinking through things. If you want him to commit and he feels he isn’t ready for a woman like you, it is unlikely he will tell you but his cues might include retreating without explanation. What he is doing is processing the situation, how to deal with it. He is  trying to figure if he should believe that you genuinely want HIM, if he should just relax and risk it, or if he should invest in getting himself up to your level so that he may feel more secure in himself.  

4.    He does not have certain things that make a man feel accomplished: When a man over a certain age, does not have some things that make him feel secure as a man, such as a good paying job, a car, a house or anything of real value that makes him feel accomplished, it can be difficult for him to maintain a relationship, worse  with a woman who already has those things. Some men will not move into a woman’s house. These are the traditional types who feel they should be providing her with a roof over her head and not the other way around. If a man is not in a position to put a roof over a woman’s head or even to take her out for a meal, it will be difficult for him to believe that an accomplished woman wants him in her life, unless it’s for a casual affair.

If you notice these things about a man that you are genuinely interested in, it does not matter how good a woman you are. You will continue to have failed relationships if you choose a man who isn't ready for you.

When a man feels that he does not deserve you, that he's not up to your standard, your relationship will be filled with insecurities and mothering moments. You trying to convince him that he is the one you want, that he's worthy of you and him trying to figure out what you see in him. All that time should be spent building your relationship, but instead you'll be stuck, justifying the relationship. The problem is in his head and YOU can't fix it, he has to fix it himself and come back when he's ready for YOU.

Marie Berbick aka The PR Girl, is a Communications Specialist, motivational speaker and founder of the women’s ministry Sisters United for Prayer, Healing, Empowerment & Restoration. (SUPHER). Follow her on Facebook,  Instagram at MarieBerbick and twitter @thePR Girl. Email marieberbick@gmail.com