Ask any happy couple
what it took for them to get where they are in their relationship today and
they will tell you about the sweat and tears that came before the smiles. Relationships require effort that some persons
are not willing to give but sadly there are also others who are putting in the
work but with the wrong people. I’ve talked with countless women who are going through
this kind of negative relationship pattern.
Karen is a caring, attractive
woman who can hold her own financially but she is tired of the pattern of
failed relationships in her life. She isn’t looking for a man to complete her (or
so she thinks) but she keeps getting it wrong when it comes to the men she
chooses. Her relationship history goes something
like this –--She meets a man she is totally into. He is struggling with some
things in his life but in her eyes, he seems just right for her. In everybody
else’s eyes he is wrong for her. She ignores the ‘haters’ and proceeds with the
relationship.
Things seem to be
going great for the first few months until she begins to feel overwhelmed. Something
is off. Instead of feeling like a woman in the relationship, she is feeling
like a fixer. There are just too many issues with the man and she is buckling under
the pressure of having to hold it all together. She hangs on for a while but eventually
things crumble and everybody around her says ‘I told you so’.
Sounds familiar? Karen
thought others were just hating on her but there was something they saw, that
she could not, because she was on the kind of emotional high that supports the
popular phrase that “love is blind’.
Here
are three reasons why women like Karen might be getting it wrong each time.
1.
Your Giving Nature Is Attracting Takers
Which man doesn’t want
a nice, caring, generous woman? Most do. However, when you are a giver, you will
attract takers. If you are a giver, you need someone who watches your back because
people will take advantage of your kind nature. People will come into your life
simply to take from you because you like to give. What you need to do is use
wisdom even in giving of yourself. Take time to discern people and motives. Ask
him deep questions to uncover the motive behind his interest in you. If you
keep giving to a man who is not pouring back into you, like Karen, you will become
frustrated, drained and overwhelmed. Unless you pull back, assess yourself and
the kind of men you allow into your life, the cycle of takers will continue and
you will not find a healthy relationship.
2.
You are Attracting Broken Men
Men do not open up very easily but many are broken
and wish they could find someone they can trust to spill their hearts to. If
you are a great listener with a heart for helping people and you like to show
empathy, it is easy for broken people to gravitate to you. One of the main reasons
broken men gravitate toward you is that you are often times also broken, without
even realizing it. Perhaps you have had a failed relationship from which you
have not healed, or never had closure. Maybe
you have had an unfortunate experience that has caused you to be quite vulnerable.
Broken men find it easy to talk to you because you seem to ‘understand’ them.
One of the reasons for that connection is that like spirits attract. In the same
way that successful people are attracted to other successful people, broken
people attract broken people. Hurting people attract hurting people so something
in your spirit is a pull for men who are broken. A broken man cannot give you a
wholesome relationship. He is not whole, emotionally, mentally or spiritually, hence
what you desire from him he is not in a position to give you. If you are not
mentally strong, a broken man will break you.
3.
You Keep Looking for Projects in Your Relationships
For a relationship to
be successful, both partners must be committed to problem solving, there is no
smooth relationship. Unfortunately some women, particularly successful women make
the mistake of continually finding men who are ‘projects. These men may require
quite a bit of work before they are ready for a relationship. The consequence
of that decision is that they you may spend
more time trying to fix the man than they spend enjoying the relationship.
The sad truth is that
successful women are used to getting things done, they are used to winning at
things. They have mapped out a strategy for their success which they have
tested and proven hence they know how to get things done. When things aren’t
working out as planned, they FIX it and keep fixing a problem until it’s
resolved to their satisfaction. The mistake that some of these women sometimes make though, is that
many are taking a similar approach to their love lives and it doesn’t work.
Here’s why.
A man is not a project
you can fix. Do not see the red flags
yet still proceed with the relationship because you believe that just like a
work related project, you can fix him. The
mistake you are making is that instead of finding a man who is emotionally healthy
and relationship ready, you keep finding broken men, then attempting to fix
them just as you would, another project. Sometimes what he needs is a therapist
or a mentor depending on his problem. It is better to let a man fix himself
before you get into a relationship with him. If you believe you are a fixer,
step back and assess the men who are coming into your life. Begin to choose men
who can assume their rightful role in your life, that is to hold you up, rather
than men who are looking for a woman to hold them up. It’s time to relax and enjoy
a relationship with someone who doesn’t need you to fix them.
Marie
Berbick is a Communications Specialist, motivational speaker, an ordained minister
and founder of the women’s ministry
Sisters United for Prayer, Healing, Empowerment & Restoration. (SUPHER).
Follow her on Facebook and Instagram at
MarieBerbick. Email marieberbick@gmail.com
