So you’re now officially over…the relationship or marriage many people including
yourself thought was made in Heaven wasn’t really so after all and now you are
dealing with the estranged spouse from
hell who is determined to make you feel the heat. It is often said that hell
hath no fury like a woman scorned but truthfully, it goes both ways! Unless
your partner is a reasonable person, separation or divorce can expose you to
some deeply unpleasant moments. It is perhaps very true that if you really want
to know the person you marry, try divorcing them!
Here are some life lessons that you can apply
in dealing with divorce or separation.
1. 1. Don’t move out your matrimonial home— ladies, don’t
move out of your matrimonial home, especially if you have children. Unless your
life is being threatened and you feel unsafe, stay in your home. If your spouse
is abusive, get a protection and an occupation order and stay in your home with
your children. If you are the type who sweeps incidences of physical abuse
under the carpet because you are ashamed, and do not want your friends and
family to know—stop it. Report those incidents of abuse to the police and
ensure you receive a receipt at the police station. If you have had to seek
medical attention, request a report from the doctor and also keep your medical
expense receipts. These receipts will assist you in applying for a protection
order if necessary as they will demonstrate to the court, your partner’s
history of abusive behaviour.
2. 2. Research well before choosing a lawyer—a good lawyer can make a difference in how long your divorce or
custody matters are before the court. It is imperative that you choose a lawyer
who is experienced in family matters and is interested in bringing closure to
your matters as quickly as possible. Whilst it is good to have a lawyer who
will put up a good fight in your interest, especially if your divorce is
contentious, it is also very important that the lawyer is interested in getting
closure as soon as possible, especially if children are involved. Failing that, you will likely find yourself
before the court for a long time, in a drawn out and expensive divorce battle.
The money you end up spending could have comfortably helped you to start over. Last
year I met a man who is now broken in many ways— after more than 80 court appearances in a bitter 10 year divorce and custody battle.
3. 3. Do not use your children as pawns—Divorce or
separation can be very difficult for the adults involved so think for a moment
what it does to the children who are caught in the middle. Bitter spouses often
use the children to get back at each other. Either the mother seeks to deprive
the father of time with the children or it’s the other way around. One of the
most irresponsible acts that couples in bitter divorces are sometimes guilty of
is manipulation of the children where either the mother sets up the children against
the father or the father sets the children up against the mother. What’s even
worse is when one party falsely accuses the other of child abuse in an effort
to gain custody. This can be a most demoralizing experience for the party who
is falsely accused and if you are not strong you might even consider throwing
up your hands, packing your bags and getting on the plane! If you do have a
legitimate case of child abuse against your spouse, that is different but
falsely accusing one’s spouse of child abuse during a custody battle is far
more popular than we think according to the Office of the Children’s Registry.
I can attest that without a good support system, you can crumble from the shame
and stress. A professional colleague in
a prominent position who was falsely accused of child abuse by her estranged
husband, described her experience as “some of the lowest moments of my life”
after social workers showed up at her home and her children’s school numerous
times and her estranged husband showed up at her office to berate her, claiming
credit for her success. She had to get a protection order against him. If there
is a genuine need for you to act to protect your children, do so, but if you
are guilty of using your children as pawns in your divorce mess, you are doing
serious damage to them. Think about your
pain, multiply it by double digits and that’s the pain your children are
experiencing. Stop it.
4. 4.Try mediation before you decide to fight in court—as long as your partner is amiable to mediation, go for it.
Mediation is far less expensive than a long, bitter court battle over things
you could easily sit at a table and discuss with a mediator and agree on. Mind
you, there are bitter spouses who are so determined to get at the other party
that they refuse to consider mediation. However, always recommend to your
spouse, the mediation route and if they insist on going to court, at least you
did try so pray, put on your spiritual armour and feel confident that favour is
with you as you are not personally fighting that battle.
5. 5. Keep all matters in one court—Your divorce
is filed in the Supreme Court. As best as possible try to have all matters
(maintenance and custody if applicable) heard in the same court. Having custody
and maintenance heard separately in the Family Court can delay your divorce
especially if these matters are contentious. If your spouse is the spiteful
type they can also purposefully use a battle for custody of the children to
delay the divorce. Remember, if the Supreme Court is not satisfied regarding the
custody and welfare of your children, your divorce will not be granted. One of
the challenges with the Family Court is that your matters can come before different judges each time you appear and
this can delay a resolution in those matters as a judge who is new in the
matter, needs to ensure that due diligence is done. Consequently you can find
your matter going around in circles for quite sometime. I personally almost
lost count of the judges who heard my matters in the Family Court.
6. 6. Be fair and don’t be blinded by vindictiveness— As much as you might feel that you despise your estranged
husband, don’t allow your anger to blind you. When we are angry, we cannot
think rationally and many people go through their divorce with so much anger
and bitterness that winning is all that matters and that means taking everything
and leaving the other person with nothing. Wrong approach. Ask for what you are
entitled to, but don’t try to prevent the other person from getting what they
too are entitled to. People spend years acquiring assets and depending what age
you are at when you separate or divorce, it could take many more years to
rebuild. Your spouse deserves to have something too. Men, your ex-wife might
not be your favourite person but she is still the mother of your children. Do
not try to force her out in the street with your children. Familiarize yourself with the pieces of
legislation that are relevant in divorce cases, including the Property (Rights
of Spouses) Act 2004. Knowledge of these laws and their interpretations will
help you to make realistic decisions about whether you really want to go through
a long bitter divorce battle rather than sit at a table like mature adults,
work out differences, split assetts and peacefully go your separate ways.
Marie
Berbick aka The PR Girl, is a Communications Specialist, motivational speaker
and founder of the women’s ministry Sisters United for Prayer, Healing,
Empowerment & Restoration. (SUPHER).
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