When the Relationship Exists Only in your Head

Sometimes women being the emotional creatures we are, think we are in a relationship

when the man we are supposedly in the relationship with, sees things very differently. Most women like to know a man is not afraid to commit. In their hurry to get him to commit, they commit him themselves. Everything might even seem normal in terms of being seen together publicly, going out on dates and spending time together. However, this is no guarantee that you are in fact in a relationship.

You can date someone for months and still not be in a relationship. The mistake women make sometimes, is that they automatically assume that once they have been seeing someone for a few weeks or even months, they occupy the position of girlfriend. They quickly change their Facebook status to ‘in a relationship’ and close the door on other prospects without having a frank discussion with the man to ensure he is on the same page. 

Some men will date a woman without committing to a relationship, for as long as she allows it. Ask the frank questions up front, what is he looking for? What does he like about you? Does he see you as the woman he could spend the rest of his life with? Is he dating other persons or is this something exclusive and serious?

Social Media has become one of the most popular facilitators of ‘fantasy’ relationships. Although Social media has enabled some persons to meet their ideal partners it has  also provided men and women with opportunities to lead others down an empty road, into ‘relationships’, that one party sometimes knows doesn’t exist but the other is totally unaware.

 For example, you’ve ‘met’ someone via social media. You are yet to see them in person but you text, voice note and video call every day. It feels wonderful just like a normal relationship, with all the emojis, love hearts and roses you received via texting. In your mind, you have a relationship with this person and even tell others that you have a boyfriend/girlfriend. Months down the road, you finally meet this person and realize that things were not as you thought. The person is either married, attached or single but not in a relationship with YOU.

This is happening more regularly these days as a wider pool of persons become accessible to us thanks to communication technology, particularly via social media. I’ve said before that some persons would be shocked if they were to get a glimpse of their partner’s mobile phone, the number of persons they interact with in a romantic way. The truth is that many of these people are living out a fantasy because their situation might be such that they cannot be in a real relationship.

Here are some situations where the relationship exists only in your head.

1.    Some persons are married and bored: The person you are communicating with is perhaps married but bored in their marriage. They have no intention of leaving their spouse but need a little oomph or excitement to help them through the slump. The easiest way to get someone to come for this ride with them is via social media.  If the person texts, voicenotes or speaks to you only during the day time, often has to abruptly end conversations and you can never video call them, those are red flags. They are quite likely married or in a committed relationship and you’re their fantasy partner.

2.    He/she communicates only by text: Easy and fun as it may be, a relationship cannot be sustained by texting. Two people who are seriously interested in each other need to talk to each other, see each other, spend time with each other, do things together. There are persons who are pretty comfortable texting but clam up the moment the thought of an actual voice conversation is raised. If this happens, don’t even bother to waste your time. You are not in a relationship. The person needs a text buddy to pass time with.

3.    He/she sends you mainly sexually explicit messages: If you ‘meet’ someone via social media, they ‘like’ or comment only on those photos in which you are skimpily attired and sends you endless photos of themselves nude or in states of undress, they are interested in a sex buddy, not a relationship. It doesn’t matter how long you have been communicating with them, how many times they have told you how beautiful you are and how flattered you are by the attention. It doesn’t matter how nice a guy he seems.  If their interest is centered around exchanging nude photos and they have never invited you on a date, you are likely dealing with a pervert, not someone who wants a relationship.

4.    He is never available to do the things that matter: If you are seeing someone who is available for sex but does not make himself available to do with you, the things a normal couple would do together, you are not in a relationship. If you have children and he has never made time to meet them, interact with them, never accompanied you to do some shopping, never sat down and ate a meal you have prepared, never calls you to check how you are after some heavy rain, never sought to go get you some Panadol if you have a headache, never volunteered to take your car to the car wash, simple things like these that a man in a relationship would do for his lady, don’t fool yourself. You are not in a relationship. What you have is an unspoken arrangement to provide each other with sex.

     Don’t be afraid to ask outright, where you stand. You will save yourself the heartache that comes with finding out later, that what you thought was a relationship, existed only in YOUR mind.

Marie Berbick is a motivational speaker and founder of the women’s ministry Sisters United for Prayer, Healing, Empowerment & Restoration. (SUPHER). Keep up with her on http://marieberbick.blogspot.com/ or follow her on  twitter @thePR Girl. Email marieberbick@gmail.com